So, she asked me what my interests are...and I answered, "Well, we are really interested in art and like to go to galleries and museums, we like coffee culture and bookshops, the ballet, we're into the environment and try to be as eco-conscious as possible...we are fans of photography and great furniture design..."
What. a. total. prick.
After I was done this girl was looking at me across not only an age divide but an economic divide. It felt awkward and I felt very self-conscious that I sounded like a snob. But, I am not a snob. I just happen to like some things that could be perceived as snotty. And, I don't know how to reconcile that.
Then I was distracted by a HUGE section of keihl's product.
Case and point.
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Last weekend we went looking for a place to hang our hats. We need to have a house by the end of this month. It was suggested we look outside where we have being staying which is Didsbury, a village within Manchester. Think Lakeview to Chicago or Alameda to Portland.
Our co-workers sent us to the "golden triangle" of Manchester. I am a city mouse and I expected to hate it, but WRONG. These somewhat faux rural villages are lovely, relaxing and quiet. I am immediately wooed by the one that the Beckhams used to call home and that members of the band New Order still call home. It backs up to a national park and has beautiful views of rolling hills. It's English countryside the way it is meant to be done.
I worry because the village feels a bit too upscale. I wear t-shirts and Vans at the weekend. I can hear my sister moan about it being trendy and I feel guilty. I can hear my father say he thinks it sucks. But, I still kind of like it.
When I go to work Monday and mention that we are thinking of living there my management thinks it's perfect. The people who work in roles under me comment that it's snobby and that they film a show there called, "The Edge" which is like the UK's version of "The Hills." The fact my lifestyle is more closely aligned with upper management than with the worker bees scares me to my bones.
I come home and google the average income of the area and stewart and I each beat it by more than 20K. I feel sick.
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I talked to my mom on the phone. She said that of all the people she knows, Stewart and I are "doing really well." This surprises me because I don't normally think that.
As we talk I start to realize just how privileged our lives are, especially in this economy. I guess I never think about it because for the past 6 years almost everyone I have socialized with has worked for the same company and made similar money.
I feel very guilty.
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When I picked my major the projection in my textbooks for what I would earn annually was 19K. I didn't know what that meant. I had never had to take care of myself. And, I didn't care. I wanted to be in this line of work because I loved it. I didn't choose my job, it choose me. When I was six and trying to draw dresses, with matching handbags, earrings and shoes I was building collections. It was part of who I am.
And, when I graduated I wanted to do well. But right out of the gate I felt so awful. I did work hard in school, but it's really the luck of the draw, isn't it? I was lucky I had a dream, I was lucky I got accepted into college, I was lucky I had parents who funded my education and supported me in my coursework, I was lucky I met a gentleman named Ben who encouraged me the whole way, and I was lucky to have a teacher named Val who mentors me to this day.
But that person working two low paying jobs to take care of their kids, they aren't lucky. Their life is not easy. They have to do hard things for little money. That has always made me feel so very conflicted. I have never felt like I deserved it enough. I have never felt like I am worthy of it. Luck. It's just dumb luck that my cards were stacked in a certain way.
The people who teach kids and work with the elderly. Those people, now they deserve something great. Me? I just make clothes. Society is fucked up.
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"I sell absolutely everything I don't need on ebay. It's brilliant. It gives me so much extra money." Says XXXX.
"Wow, I admire that. I cannot do that. It seems like so much work. I have so much on already I don't think I could mail stuff in a timely manner. Besides, I don't know who would want my old stuff. I just donate it." I reply.
"It would not be too much work for you if you needed the money." XXXX glares.
Crickets.
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I don't when, if ever I will reconcile these things. As we move ahead in our lives and careers I should feel more comfortable, but I don't. I don't want to be wasteful. I don't want to be focused on frivolous things. I don't want to depend on money and a lifestyle that could change on a dime.
I don't want to live in a "bubble" as my sister once said and I don't want to loose focus of what is important in life. I don't mind that my sister and John think I am trendy, but I don't ever want them to think I am a jerk. I think that is the part that worries me most. I never want to be too caught up in shit that doesn't matter to remember the people and things that do.
No one cares that last season purple was the new black.
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" Don't feel bad, we spend all our extra money to travel." says Stew.
"Yeah, I know." I reply.
" We need it to see your family." he says.
"Yeah, that's true. That's the important thing." I reply.
Grabbing the remote, I change the channel.
1 comments:
Don't feel guilty but don't forget to be grateful, I know you won't and just be yourselves if you move to 'rural' Manchester - it's what's on the inside that matters! Love Mum X
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