Contra.

Hi.

Funny seeing you here.

At this dormant blog.

I haven't really quit. It's just a bit busy at the moment.

Since we last met, I have taken a new job, which I started officially at the beginning of April. It's a crazy, busy, exciting, but taxing job. I find myself on the road often, living out of suitcases and working until the wee hours of the morning to avoid giving into the sadness that comes from being away from my family.

I don't know what to do with that, so at the moment I am plodding ahead, trying my best to balance a lot of things that I love which don't go together. It's a never ending feeling of failure. I am always short changing something or someone. A lot of time, that person happens to be me.

Skyler is 15 months. 15. She's no baby. She's walking and laughing and tearing up the house much faster than we can put it back together. Her most recent nickname is "Baby Kong" because she waves her hands in the air and pounds on her little round belly much like King Kong. And, let's be honest, she demolishes most everything in her path. If she would enjoy playing with her toys as much as she enjoys breaking into the medicine cabinet, we would be golden.

It's been almost a year since we landed in the UK and true to form, we are day dreaming of our next locale. The more we live away from my friends and family, the more I know that we need to be nearer them. I don't think that all the money or success or sightseeing can replace the laughter and comfort felt in the presence of a true friend. One who really knows you, but likes you anyway.

The only challenge with any of that is that more of the world we see, the more I don't know where we belong. My childhood hopes and dreams seem quite outdated. And, the things I want and the things I need contradict one another. Much like the situation with my job.

Last weekend we were in London with old friends. My favorite professor and her family were visiting and it was bliss spending the weekend mucking around town with them. But, on our way down, I broke our stroller.

That stupid stroller. Stew and I bought it because it was lightweight, which turned out to be the least important feature. When it broke, we both sighed with relief, because we really hated that thing.

Today we bought a new stroller. A Phil & Ted's Smart Stroller, which has just come out and is deemed "yummy mummy chic" by the blogs. It's lovely. And, it was a revelation. Not because of it's beauty but because of the conversations it inspired.

I am not someone who looks at the short-term of anything. I buy everything to last. Which lead Stewart and I to talk about babies.

Babies?

Plural?

I think we are at our limit. I don't think our lifestyle, bank account, or attention-gobbling daughter could accommodate a sibling. I don't even think my uterus could accommodate another baby with all it has been through.

And, yet...

We talk about this person, who does not exist, but has a name and a place in our hearts, much like Skyler did before she came to be. An attachment to this person has begun to form and it is in direct conflict with everything else I want in my life.*

At the moment we are walking, breathing contradiction on all fronts.

So, we are happy, we are sad, we are tired, we are busy, we are confused, we are hopeful...

Same as we ever were.

Until next time,

Sara Lou Who.

* Please don't get your hopes up, inquire about or bug me for another bambino. Just like puppies grow up to be dogs, babies grow up to be expensive teenagers. I think I would rather have get the puppy at this point. A pug maybe? But that is another thought for another day.