Maybe Baby.

Overheard.

2010-08-30T19:45:00.001+02:00

Tonight we made vegetarian chili in the slow cooker.

Apparently soy meat cooks faster than beef because when we went to tuck into it, Skyler wouldn't touch it and I started gagging from the unexpected mushy texture.

I took one look at Stewart, who was pushing it around in a bowl and said,

" Pizza?"

Skyler started nodding furiously.

It was priceless.

the growler.

2010-08-23T21:35:00.003+02:00

no exorcist needed.

she just does that sometimes.

It never ends.

2010-08-20T19:02:00.003+02:00

When Skyler was first born I spent ever moment thinking about her.

When she would nap, I would look at pictures and videos of her.

Because I missed her being awake.

People said I would grow of it.

She is 1 1/2 old.

And, I find myself doing the same thing.

Laying next to her sleeping.

Watching videos of her awake

because I miss her awesome personality.

This love.

It never fades,

it never changes.

It only grows.

First Sentence.

2010-08-18T22:04:00.002+02:00

Skyler has officially said her first sentence.

And, before you ask, no she does not have an English accent.

It was:

" I want bubble."

Which meant she wanted to take a bubble bath. It was really cute and I wish I had it on tape.

But, I do have another video of her being cute, so how about that?

Now You're Cookin'.

2010-08-14T20:01:00.006+02:00

"What are you doing?" asked Stew, with a cautious look in his eye.

"Baking a Cake." I replied.

Stew cocked his head, "You're whaaaat?"

"Baking... A cake." I answered.

Stew continued to look at me like my wooden spoon was a third tit, which had grown out of the center of my forehead.

"I love cake, I didn't know I was getting cake. But, what's gotten into you?" he asked.

And, that is something I didn't and don't have an answer for.

I have recently started reading a blog called weelicous, about cooking for kids. And, after a week or so of reading about cooking, I started thinking about cooking. Then this past week I started actually cooking. From scratch.

I'm not domestic. I am not a cook, and yet I look forward all day to cooking dinner. Tomorrow I am making roast beef tacos in the slow cooker with a recipe I have made up myself and I already have all my ingredients chopped and ready.

I don't really know why I feel this sudden urge, but as long as I am enjoying it. I will go with it.

And, Stew? He'll fight me to wash dishes and then settle down on the couch to enjoy his cake.

Saturday Morning.

2010-08-07T11:46:00.006+02:00

We are dancing to the new Taylor Swift

Which I had to buy

Because I knew how much you would love it

I throw you in the air

While you toss your head back in laughter

We spin round and round

Until the world

And life

outside this room becomes a blur.

I wish I could bottle it

I get so lost

Caught up in people and things that I won't recall in a years time

and I am missing the fairytale ending

I fought so hard for

I want it to be mine

But, you deserve for it to be ours.

skyler everly, you are magic.

And so it begins...

2010-07-23T20:31:00.004+02:00

Today Skyler kissed a a boy THREE times.

An older boy, a sophisticate of the ripe old age of 2 1/2.

Not even a year and a half old and already a kissing bandit.

Master of Mercurial.

2010-07-11T20:06:00.005+02:00

Ten minutes in the life of Skyler Everly.

sweet.

thoughtful.

bossy.

bored.

silly.

mine.

2010-07-10T23:37:00.000+02:00

Contra.

2010-06-26T22:25:00.004+02:00

Hi.

Funny seeing you here.

At this dormant blog.

I haven't really quit. It's just a bit busy at the moment.

Since we last met, I have taken a new job, which I started officially at the beginning of April. It's a crazy, busy, exciting, but taxing job. I find myself on the road often, living out of suitcases and working until the wee hours of the morning to avoid giving into the sadness that comes from being away from my family.

I don't know what to do with that, so at the moment I am plodding ahead, trying my best to balance a lot of things that I love which don't go together. It's a never ending feeling of failure. I am always short changing something or someone. A lot of time, that person happens to be me.

Skyler is 15 months. 15. She's no baby. She's walking and laughing and tearing up the house much faster than we can put it back together. Her most recent nickname is "Baby Kong" because she waves her hands in the air and pounds on her little round belly much like King Kong. And, let's be honest, she demolishes most everything in her path. If she would enjoy playing with her toys as much as she enjoys breaking into the medicine cabinet, we would be golden.

It's been almost a year since we landed in the UK and true to form, we are day dreaming of our next locale. The more we live away from my friends and family, the more I know that we need to be nearer them. I don't think that all the money or success or sightseeing can replace the laughter and comfort felt in the presence of a true friend. One who really knows you, but likes you anyway.

The only challenge with any of that is that more of the world we see, the more I don't know where we belong. My childhood hopes and dreams seem quite outdated. And, the things I want and the things I need contradict one another. Much like the situation with my job.

Last weekend we were in London with old friends. My favorite professor and her family were visiting and it was bliss spending the weekend mucking around town with them. But, on our way down, I broke our stroller.

That stupid stroller. Stew and I bought it because it was lightweight, which turned out to be the least important feature. When it broke, we both sighed with relief, because we really hated that thing.

Today we bought a new stroller. A Phil & Ted's Smart Stroller, which has just come out and is deemed "yummy mummy chic" by the blogs. It's lovely. And, it was a revelation. Not because of it's beauty but because of the conversations it inspired.

I am not someone who looks at the short-term of anything. I buy everything to last. Which lead Stewart and I to talk about babies.

Babies?

Plural?

I think we are at our limit. I don't think our lifestyle, bank account, or attention-gobbling daughter could accommodate a sibling. I don't even think my uterus could accommodate another baby with all it has been through.

And, yet...

We talk about this person, who does not exist, but has a name and a place in our hearts, much like Skyler did before she came to be. An attachment to this person has begun to form and it is in direct conflict with everything else I want in my life.*

At the moment we are walking, breathing contradiction on all fronts.

So, we are happy, we are sad, we are tired, we are busy, we are confused, we are hopeful...

Same as we ever were.

Until next time,

Sara Lou Who.

* Please don't get your hopes up, inquire about or bug me for another bambino. Just like puppies grow up to be dogs, babies grow up to be expensive teenagers. I think I would rather have get the puppy at this point. A pug maybe? But that is another thought for another day.

countdown.

2010-02-27T19:57:00.004+01:00

thelma.

the dude.

my parents will be here in two weeks.

yay!

best foot forward.

2010-02-21T20:30:00.009+01:00

This weekend we got Skyler her first pair of big girl shoes. She is getting promoted to "Waddlers" which is the next group up from "Babies" at her daycare. The "Waddlers" require shoes, which meant we had a family outing to find just the right pair.

Her moving to the next room in daycare has left me with lots of mixed feelings. I am so proud Skyler is developing and curious. But, I sometimes miss her being a baby. At almost a year old, she's becoming a proper little girl. Her personality is exploding. She is a very hilarious and passionate person. There is the light of a million suns trapped inside of her. She's just amazing. Honestly, she is 100% the best person I have ever met. I adore her totally and completely.

showing off her shoes.

Skyler was a real peach when getting measured at John Lewis. She let us try on a few styles of shoes while me and her Dad went back and forth on what her first footwear statement should be.

I had my heart set on a gold-snakeskin pair, which was sadly, out of stock. But, in the end, we landed on a pair of Pedipeds. If you read Celebrity Baby Blog, you are undoubtedly already aware of this brand. It's the "it" baby shoe of the moment. Skyler has the same ones as Jessica Alba's daughter. Impressed? No. I didn't think so.

posing. whatta natural, eh?

Takes a lil' sunshine to make a seed grow.

2010-02-14T10:00:00.003+01:00

Skyler, dear Skyler,

Some day you will ask me how you were born. You will want to know how you came to be. And, I won't bore you with stories about me and your father trying to translate the instructions for ovulation sticks from Dutch to English or how your dad switched from his "euro" man pants to boxers in hopes it would make a difference.

What I will tell you is that you are the product of the world's greatest romance. When you are 7 you will think it is enchanting, when you are 14 you will think it's gross and at 27 (and finally allowed to date) you will think it is worth striving for.

on our wedding day. timberline, oregon.

Although I have always believed in romance, and well scored movie endings, I was not a romantic person. In fact, despite the fact I have had a lot of boyfriends, I didn't really even like men very much. I didn't have any use for them.

adored. cheshire, uk.

As a little girl, I never dressed up as a bride. And, when we played "Pink Ladies" my imaginary boyfriend rode on the back of my Huffy bicycle, which was telling. My Barbie had trysts but she spent a lot of time in her Barbie office. She never got married. She didn't have time.

a quiet moment. savannah, georgia.

Before your Dad, I had several men want to spend their lives with me, five of them in fact. Once, I had a man take me into Tiffany's to try on rings. All I could say was "What the fuck are you doing?" as I bolted for the door, pissed off that he had not taken me in to buy me a keychain or a bracelet. That I could have coped with. I dumped him shortly there after.

in our flat. oud-west, amsterdam, netherlands.

In my youth I married someone briefly, and as I planned my wedding I was already planning my divorce. I just wanted to get it over with, because I felt like it was something I had to do. I let other people put their expectations on me with disastrous consequences.

I ended up with boots in my ribs and hands around my throat. Because of my poor choice, I was almost not here anymore. If I was not such a strong women, I would have missed my chance to become your mom. I will tell you this story not to scare you, but so you can learn from it. I don't want you to have to suffer at the hands of anyone else. And if you ever do, I will cut off his balls and hang them on my rearview mirror like fuzzy dice.

on the eve of our engagement. berlin, germany.

Even before that, the idea of being with someone forever used to make me ill. It made me feel like I could not breathe. I wanted to have a big career, travel the world, and make lots of money. I am smart, and ambitious, and in my experience boys don't want girls who can do better than they can. It makes them feel small. But, as you will learn one day, boys want you to be less than them but a true man will want you to be your best self. They will celebrate your success as if it were their own, because when you really love someone it is.

When I first saw your Dad, I could not put together good sentences. My brain felt all discombobulated. He had the best smile I had ever seen. He smiled with his whole self and it felt like sunshine when he cast one of those smiles my way. And, even now, after I have captured a million of those smiles in my butterfly net, I feel like my heart might explode every time I see one. I love seeing your Dad happy. I love that we make your Dad happy even more.

my first queen's day. amsterdam centrium, netherlands.

Your Dad, is a romantic. He makes me romantic, too. We write each other little notes and always think of the other person's needs first. Neither of us ever takes advantage of one another's giving nature. We do silly things, like save up all our money for months to buy one another gifts when we both would be happy with a thoughtful card. We pay attention to the small things. Like picking up chocolate muffins as a treat or the fact whoever brushes their teeth first puts toothpaste on the others brush for them. You will see this behavior as you grow up and expect it for yourself. You will think it is normal to have parents who are so crazy about each other. But, one day you will meet other kids where that is not the case and know you are lucky.

in my flat. amsterdam centrium, netherlands.

Your dad, he always knows what to say, while I am blunt and should just keep my foot firmly planted in my mouth. He is patient and thoughtful and no matter how much I give, he gives the same back. He is really hilarious and makes me laugh all the time. He likes the way my brain works and appreciates that I am smart. He likes me in heels as well as he likes me in my converse sneakers. He loves me as much in the morning time when I have pillow creases on my face as he does in the evening when I am perfectly done up.

He is an amazing person. And, even though you are too little to realize it yet, your Daddy is the best gift I will ever give you. He will be there to hold your hand when you get your ears pierced, he will come to your ballet recitals (or skateboarding competitions) and when you have your heart broken he'll be right there eating ice cream with us. He'll always be there. And, he loves you the same way he loves me- wholly and unconditionally- with his whole self. He will be the man that sets the standard for all other men you will meet. He will be your hero, just like he is mine.

besties. chester uk.

And, while the best gift I have ever given you is your Dad, the best gift he gave me is you. Because we decided, together, that we wanted to be a family of three. And, we held hands and crossed fingers each and every month hoping that you would come to us. Now that you are here, you are even better than we imagined.

our happy family. cheshire, uk.

At just 11 months old, you already have such life and personality. You laugh and smile with your whole self, warm as the sunshine. And, all I can think is that you come by it naturally.

And so, that is what I tell you when you ask me how you came to be.

I love you with all my heart, which has grown exponentially since I became your mother.

Forever and Always,

Mama

32 lessons I learned at age 32.

2010-01-27T17:37:00.000+01:00

1. There is a great difference between being liked and being respected. At the office, being respected is better alothough it can be more lonely.

2. The only thing you can control consistantly in your life is your attitude. You cannot choose your circumstance, but you can choose your reaction to it.

3. If you can learn to accept someone else's shortcomings you can learn to accept your own.

4. Ass crack exposing pants are not for mothers who spent vast amounts of time crawling around the floor.

5. A morning trip to Starbucks can make any location seem liike home.

6. The cure for vanity is a daughter. No one is looking at you anymore. And when it makes her so happy to mess up your hair, that is way more important than what a stranger thinks of it.

7. Take time to enjoy every task, chore and moment you have with your kid. A trip to the grocery store takes on a new joy when the cart becomes Santa's sled and the freezer aisle is the North Pole. People will stare, but if you are too uptight to enjoy yourself because of them your kid will be, too.

8. There is no subsitute for putting in the time to do it right. No lazy weekend morning is worth missing a smile and a giggle from the Little.

9. If your kid is crying they really don't think it's funny if you imiate them.

10. Taking off a workday for a date with your mate is worth it. Especially if that date invloves New Moon and Sushi.

11. You cannot trust most people to not repeat what you say. Make sure you don't mind defending your position if you open your mouth.

12. Smile when you would rather swear. You may not be able to kill someone with kindness, but if they are weak enough you can drive them totally crazy and smile while you do it.

13. Enjoy the place you are in. What was fun at 22 isn't fun at 32. What you define as sucess at 22 is not the same as what you define as sucess at 32. Life changes and life changes you. You have to let it. And, as much as one stage of your life may have been fun, it's okay to let it end. You need an ending to get to the new beginning.

14. You get where you are meant to go in your life.

15. Once you have a kid, if your heart and head disagree you listen to your head. Make as many mistakes and have as much selfish fun as you can so you are ready when that happens.

16. When you accept a risk, you also have to accept the consequences.

17. No matter how old you get, it never gets easier to follow someone else's rules. In fact, it sucks more, but it is also much more vital to your success.

18. Buy better, buy less.

19. There is no subsitute for your own family.

20. Any bad day can be rearranged by a Cadbury Flake candy bar and some loud music.

21. Always say a prayer of gratitude at night. Only ask for what you need to do right by others. Even your enemies. You'll get it. And, you'll sleep soundly at night.

22. Always take time to laugh with your spouse. And when they lose the garmin for the millionth time, remember, you would be much more lost without them.

23. Being a role model is hard.

24. I hate sending personal emails. After two months without internet, I realize how much more time I have to give back to myself and those that really matter when I am not online all the time.

25. Even when you love your career it's just a job. Being a mom, a wife, a daughter. That's my life's work.

26. The fight for women's rights is far from over. The treatment of women, even in countries like the UK is far behind the rights enjoyed by US citizens.

27. If anyone asks you to be less than you are, being seriously awesome is the best fuck you can can give.

28. You will never have all the answers. Learn to live with uncertainty.

29. Pick your battles, but be uncompromising about the things that are truly important to you.

30. Being happy is more important than being right. Knowing it for yourself has to be enough.

31. As Dad says, "opinions are like assholes, everyone has one." But, when someone offers an opinion it's your job to decide what it's worth to you. Because like assholes, sometimes people and their opinons just stink.

32. Being a lady is overrated. But having class in the way you treat others is essential.

Are you experienced?

2010-01-24T20:43:00.005+01:00

As Skyler's first birthday (eek!) rapidly approaches we have had a debate as to what to get her. We went to the Gap a few weeks back and grabbed some super cute clothes, but that hardly seems like a first birthday celebration.

We landed on an engraved bracelet from Tiffany & co. It seems to be the perfect keepsake to commemorate the first year of her life and the best year of ours.

There are certain things that happen in a life that I believe should be experiences one must have. I can remember my first gift from Tiffany. It took 27 years and a creepy boyfriend to get. And while I would rather not remember his name, I can still recall the slick paper on the blue bag and the silky ribbon that tied together my very first blue box.

Every women should know how that feels. To get a blue box from Tiffany & co. that was picked just for her. Everything about that gift is an experience. I know Skyler will be too little to be able to appreciate it this year, but some day, maybe on her wedding day or the birth of her first child she will understand that gift was more than a gift. It was an illustration of the fact we want her to have every experience worth having.

So, since I am getting ready to say Aloha to my 32nd year, I am making a list of 32 the coolest experiences I have been lucky enough to have. I cannot give them all to Skyler, but I will surely try.

1) Seen the Eiffel tower sparkle at midnight in the arms of someone I truly loved.

2) Danced the Flamenco on stage in Spain.

3) Sang Karaoke at an upscale bar in Shanghai.

4) Ate Curry Wurst in Berlin.

5) Drank a Starbucks from the original shop in Seattle.

6) Ate a hotdog from Gray's Papaya at midnight in Central Park, NYC.

7) Seen REM in Georgia with my oldest and dearest friends.

8) Had more than thirty people show up at a goodbye party.

9) Watched the US play Italy and Croatia play Brazil in Germany for the World Cup '06.

10)Paddle-boated around the canals in Amsterdam.

11) Saw my favorite painting at the Met. It was more beautiful than words could convey.

12) Hung out where Kerouac and the beat poets once read at City Lights book shop in San Fran.

13) Swam with dolphins in Mexico.

14) Watched a Leonard Cohen concert from backstage.

15) Had high tea at Claridges in London.

16) Attended mass at the Notre Dame in Paris.

17) Drove across the United States (well from Missouri to California, anyway)

18) Danced on the bar at the Dizzy Rooster in Austin, Texas.

19) Flew to Vegas on a moments notice.

20) Got married to my best friend at the top of a mountain during a snow storm surrounded by the best people I know.

21) Had a birthday with three different birthday cakes

22) Flown first class

23) Drank Plum Wine in Seoul with a guy named Dong.

24) Completed the Portland to Coast race two years in a row

25) Stood on the stage of Saturday Night live and on the marker at Conan Obrien (no people don't get to do that, I knew someone who worked there)

26) Had a perfect picnic at the Vondal Park in Amsterdam

27) Attended Hogmenay in Glasgow and danced in the new year

28) Did the time warp at the Rocky Horror Picture Show

29) Watched the stick turn positive

30) Sat second row at the Amsterdam production of "Giselle" ballet

31) Had a surprise party that was really a surprise

32) White water rafted on the same course Olympians train on

There are many more moments and memories which have made up my life. These are really just a drop in the bucket. But, if I can give Skyler half of these things, and more over, if I can give her the desire to seek out new and exciting experiences than I will have done my job.

the little gets bigger every day.

2010-01-22T22:31:00.003+01:00

Skyler can now burp herself.

It makes me feel so sad.

I cannot even think about what it will feel like when she starts driving- which could be any day because this kid has skillz. She can clap, high-five, and pulled herself up into a standing position today.

skyler driving the boat at the aquarium.

it all goes too fast.

Soft Shoulders.

2010-01-07T20:36:00.005+01:00

A mama's shoulders need to be strong, but they all need to be soft enough for spontaneous naps.

Goodnight Moon.

2010-01-06T22:42:00.003+01:00

She sleeps with her hands on my face.

Snoring.

She tangles her tiny fingers in my hair.

She cuddles up right next to me and lets me hold her close.

When she sees me she smiles in a way that makes me forget I am tired.

My lovely daughter.

How I adore her.

Eyes Wide Open.

2010-01-03T00:24:00.002+01:00

This is not what you want your 9 month old to be doing at 11:30 PM.

Jet-lag can cripple the best of us, and in this case the tiniest of us.

2010.

2010-01-01T01:15:00.004+01:00

I didn't think that Skyler would be awake to ring in 2010, but thanks to jet lag, she was awake to dance around the living room with us.

groovin in '10.

It's bittersweet, this new year. 2009 was my most blessed year. It brought amazing challenges, changes and joy. When I think back to the year I won't remember the recession, Obama, or lady Gaga. 2009 brought us Skylie and more love than a heart could hold.

midnight kisses. skyler is grossed out.

Here's to 2010, not a year starting new, but another year of the Woo!

Hope that all of you have a wonderful year.

hearts and stars-

sara lou who, stew & woo.

2009-10-28T14:51:00.002+01:00

psssttt....

we have moved to the country, but we have no internets until 18 nov.

see you then.

hearts and stars,

sara lou who.

sleep at your own risk.

2009-10-19T22:06:00.002+02:00

I'm heading to bed early tonight. Partly because I am tired but mostly because there is a little little who needs snuggling. She's big enough now you can really hold on to her and not worry about hurting her.

But, since she still loves to wake me by ripping out my hair, that no hurting thing is not mutual.

rolling stones.

2009-10-17T19:28:00.002+02:00

I have often talked on this blog about the amount of times I have moved, because I often find myself thinking about the amount of times I have moved. Three countries, six cities, eight different houses.

From an early age I have loved the feeling of motion. In high school I can remember my mom trying to tempt me out of a bad mood by trips to far away malls. I found driving on the highway to be calming. I am fascinated by the amount of people and perspectives in the world. I love looking out the window of the car and seeing people as they pass. I always find myself wondering if that person who went by in a blur could be my future best friend or my worst enemy. What is their life like? Are they happy or was today the worst day of their life?

And, the more I have explored the world the more people I have passed. The more perspectives I have been able to understand. It's been one of my greatest privileges and joys. My exposure to the human condition across cultures has been the greatest gift.

But, things have started to shift. I have started wondering what happens when I stop moving. Can I stop moving? Will I ever have a place I think of as home? The answers to these questions are not known but I think it's about time to find out. As we prepare to move house next week into a rental, I yearn for something permanent in my life. I want consistency and stability for Skyler. I want a corner of the world that belongs to my family.

Stewart and I have been saving our pennies to build a sustainable, log home but we just don't know where to build it. The trouble is, I don't know of a place I can commit to right now. And, because of that I feel ill at ease.

Today we went and bought a set of Le Crueset pots and pans that will last a lifetime. I just needed something that I know will be ours. A bit of consistency that can travel with us until we can make a brave choice to put down roots, build a home and learn to see the world through vacations.

But, then again, I would still love to live in China...

hmmmmmmmmmm....

priorities.

2009-10-13T20:37:00.005+02:00

At 5:15 my phone rings. Screaming from my LV bag, everyone in the room turns to look at me. Before I even answer, I know it's Stew. My photo caller ID is displaying his picture complete with his warm face and twinkly eyes.

"Hello." I say.

"Hi, I am parked up the block from the Urbis, down from the ferris wheel." says Stewart.

He has come to pick me up earlier than I had planned. It's sales meeting week, and my whole team was scurrying around me merchandising products. My boss called for me to come over and work my "magic".

I feel conflicted. Sales meetings are the equivalent of "game day" in my business. They can make or break a line and everything needs to be perfect. I hate the idea of letting my team down.

"Okay. I'll be there in 15 minutes or so." I reply to Stew.

"Skyler's sleeping. Take your time" he replies, as patient and kind as ever.

I hang up the phone and walk over to my boss. I feel tempted to stay, but instead I tell him that Stewart is downstairs with Skyler and it's time for me to go. I wish him and the team well, pack my bags and stride towards the elevator.

The elevator at the Urbis is operated by an older man. He says, "It must be nice to be done with work for the day."

"It is. But, I am a working wife and mother. I am going home to my other job. My real job." I say.

He smiles in a soft way, his age showing in every crease in his face. "I just had my first grandson." he said.

"Congratulations. You are very lucky. Babies are a wonderful gift" I reply.

The doors open and he wishes me a good evening. I smile and walk towards the exit. As I open the door the fresh fall air tickles my face and I pick up my pace. Walking with pride and purpose I move up the crowded road dodging passersby like a running-back.

As I approach the car I see Stew's hand, waving hello. The day fades and all I can see is my family. My people. My heart swells.

I open the door, plop down my laptop bag, and clock in.

someone should have warned us.

2009-10-12T23:05:00.001+02:00

the fruit poops are one serious situation.

as much as she enjoys it going in

whoa-nelly

coming out

it's a whole 'nother issue.

hot damn.

don't look down.

2009-10-06T22:49:00.006+02:00

In life I have three major roles, and I am doing them all half-assed.

I am not the kind of mother I want to be because I work.

I am not the kind of employee I want to be because I am a mother.

I am not the kind of wife I want to be because I am a working mother.

It's a tightrope walk done at the lightening speed of life.

It's compromises aplenty.

It's about never having anything perfectly done

and finding the level of good enough.

It's sacrifice upon sacrifice.

It's race on a treadmill that never stops.

It's too little too late.

I can give Skyler a private education,

but I cannot give her all my time.

It's a bitch.

This modern life.

I fucking hate it.

she speaks.

2009-10-04T12:03:00.003+02:00

Yesterday we were hanging out, and I said, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Skoo Skoo!"

And, Sklyer turned to me and said, "Hi."

Then today I was trying to feed her baby rice and she started to wince. I tried to reassure her, "Come on, Skylie, you like baby rice."

She looked me in the eye, plain as day and said, "Yeah."

I looked at Stew. Stew looked at me. Then we both looked at her. She answered a question? With words? With "yeah"?

All morning we have been saying to one another, "yeah" imitating her voice- which is a sound so sweet that I am pretty sure Walt Disney himself was unfrozen to create it. If I see any bluebirds following her around I will let you know.

cuddly buggly.

2009-10-03T19:56:00.005+02:00

The last 24 hours have been strange. I obviously have a lot on my mind, but I also have quite a bit of grief coursing through my veins. The last day has been emotionally raw and quite painful, really.

But, on the other side of that coin is my immensely caring daughter. She is a complete empath. It amazes me to see such a trait in someone so small. But, she is a very feeling person. I have really recongized it in her interactions with other kids. It might be why she is so well liked by her peers at daycare.

mama's make the best pillows.

Skyler is always a little love bug, but over the last two days she has been a total mama's girl. She has been so cute- she has to be on me. Laying across me or on my lap. She's taken her tiny, adept hands and placed them on my face while pulling me to her and attempting to either eat me or kiss me (I choose to prefer the latter). She's made a million smiles worth a million dollars a piece just for me.

sweeter than homemade cupcakes.

Being Skyler's mom is a strange and wonderful adventure. Strange because this little person and her personality are exactly who I expected. I feel like I have always known her. And likewise, wonderful because her person and personality is exactly what I expected. She was the soul that was meant for me.

No matter what else I do in my life, this child is my manifesto. She is my gift to the world. And, she is God's gift to me.

Not for those with sensitive sensibilities.

2009-10-02T17:35:00.006+02:00

"That's a huge scar. Is that from your C-section?" the nurse asked.

"Yep." I reply. Looking down at it fondly. I never mind seeing my scar. It is very long, maybe eight inches, but it curves up at the end like a smile. When I think of the day Skyler was born, I smile, too.

As she goes to examine me, I remark that at 7 months in I still have occasional acute pain at the site of the incision.

She gloves her hand, and starts to check me over. The heat from the light is strong and I feel self-conscious that I should have shaved my legs last night.

Sheepishly, I apologize. " I am really sorry about my legs. I didn't realize I would be doing this today."

The nurse who is kind and soft-spoken has a 15 year old girl of her own. She tells me she doesn't mind with a smile. My legs are not what she is looking at.

What she is looking at is lots and lots of scar tissue. Glancing inside, she says in a sad way, "Wow, your insides are a mess. There is scar tissue everywhere. And I don't think they put you back together exactly right. Your cervix, is twisted, pushed back, and tilted."

My heart sinks. I ask if I could still have another baby and she says she cannot comment on that. But her face tells the story of words she seems too kind to say. My heart starts to break little by little. But, I only have a moment to feel sorry for myself. For the baby who I will likely never know.

Crashing my pity party, she interrupts my thoughts. She asks if I mind having an ultrasound. She has found a lump the size of a quarter. It's probably nothing. Only I don't feel like it's nothing. I have had a sinking feeling lately that I am unwell. Memories from 2004, when they found cancer cells flood my mind.

In the last 30 days I have lost ten pounds while eating 3 meals a day, some of which have come from Burger King and finishing each night off with a candy bar. I am not on a diet. My husband is not losing weight.

She orders a full blood work up and tries to reassure me. "You are a working mother. It makes people skinny."

And, my heart continues to break. It's crumbling like meringue nests from Marks and Spencers. My thoughts instantly turn to the other child I may not ever know.

Throughout Skyler's 9 month stay in the lovin' oven, I made her video messages. I have had the nagging feeling in my gut that I won't be around to see her grow up. And, so over the nine months I told her everything I would need her to know about life and how to live it. And, in some cases how not to live it. I told her how much I loved her. And to be whoever she wanted to be.

Stewart thought I was batshit. He doesn't like to think about things like that, and I suppose I don't either. And, maybe it's nothing. But, today I am glad I did it. I am glad there is a document, a testament to my love for my daughter. We are all dying one day at a time. It's just that some of us know what will kill us and some of us don't.

I hope my fear is unfounded. I hope I watch those videos of me babbling about boys, career, destiny, acceptance, faith, and love will be watched by me and Skylie with a big bowl of popcorn when she is a grown women. I hope that when I sing the lullaby I wrote her to the camera that is not the only way she remembers it.

Hope.

All I can do is hope.

econ-o-ME.

2009-10-01T21:48:00.007+02:00

The other day I was walking the drizzly streets of downtown Manchester on market trip (ie shopping for work) with a young co-worker. She's in her mid-twenties, I would guess. Anyway, I was treading that careful line between friendly and friend trying to talk about things that weren't too personal but not about work. Anyone who has played this game knows it can be hard, and with a person like me who can be way too open of a book it's a minefield.

So, she asked me what my interests are...and I answered, "Well, we are really interested in art and like to go to galleries and museums, we like coffee culture and bookshops, the ballet, we're into the environment and try to be as eco-conscious as possible...we are fans of photography and great furniture design..."

What. a. total. prick.

After I was done this girl was looking at me across not only an age divide but an economic divide. It felt awkward and I felt very self-conscious that I sounded like a snob. But, I am not a snob. I just happen to like some things that could be perceived as snotty. And, I don't know how to reconcile that.

Then I was distracted by a HUGE section of keihl's product.

Case and point.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Last weekend we went looking for a place to hang our hats. We need to have a house by the end of this month. It was suggested we look outside where we have being staying which is Didsbury, a village within Manchester. Think Lakeview to Chicago or Alameda to Portland.

Our co-workers sent us to the "golden triangle" of Manchester. I am a city mouse and I expected to hate it, but WRONG. These somewhat faux rural villages are lovely, relaxing and quiet. I am immediately wooed by the one that the Beckhams used to call home and that members of the band New Order still call home. It backs up to a national park and has beautiful views of rolling hills. It's English countryside the way it is meant to be done.

I worry because the village feels a bit too upscale. I wear t-shirts and Vans at the weekend. I can hear my sister moan about it being trendy and I feel guilty. I can hear my father say he thinks it sucks. But, I still kind of like it.

When I go to work Monday and mention that we are thinking of living there my management thinks it's perfect. The people who work in roles under me comment that it's snobby and that they film a show there called, "The Edge" which is like the UK's version of "The Hills." The fact my lifestyle is more closely aligned with upper management than with the worker bees scares me to my bones.

I come home and google the average income of the area and stewart and I each beat it by more than 20K. I feel sick.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I talked to my mom on the phone. She said that of all the people she knows, Stewart and I are "doing really well." This surprises me because I don't normally think that.

As we talk I start to realize just how privileged our lives are, especially in this economy. I guess I never think about it because for the past 6 years almost everyone I have socialized with has worked for the same company and made similar money.

I feel very guilty.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I picked my major the projection in my textbooks for what I would earn annually was 19K. I didn't know what that meant. I had never had to take care of myself. And, I didn't care. I wanted to be in this line of work because I loved it. I didn't choose my job, it choose me. When I was six and trying to draw dresses, with matching handbags, earrings and shoes I was building collections. It was part of who I am.

And, when I graduated I wanted to do well. But right out of the gate I felt so awful. I did work hard in school, but it's really the luck of the draw, isn't it? I was lucky I had a dream, I was lucky I got accepted into college, I was lucky I had parents who funded my education and supported me in my coursework, I was lucky I met a gentleman named Ben who encouraged me the whole way, and I was lucky to have a teacher named Val who mentors me to this day.

But that person working two low paying jobs to take care of their kids, they aren't lucky. Their life is not easy. They have to do hard things for little money. That has always made me feel so very conflicted. I have never felt like I deserved it enough. I have never felt like I am worthy of it. Luck. It's just dumb luck that my cards were stacked in a certain way.

The people who teach kids and work with the elderly. Those people, now they deserve something great. Me? I just make clothes. Society is fucked up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I sell absolutely everything I don't need on ebay. It's brilliant. It gives me so much extra money." Says XXXX.

"Wow, I admire that. I cannot do that. It seems like so much work. I have so much on already I don't think I could mail stuff in a timely manner. Besides, I don't know who would want my old stuff. I just donate it." I reply.

"It would not be too much work for you if you needed the money." XXXX glares.

Crickets.

------------------------------------------------------------

I don't when, if ever I will reconcile these things. As we move ahead in our lives and careers I should feel more comfortable, but I don't. I don't want to be wasteful. I don't want to be focused on frivolous things. I don't want to depend on money and a lifestyle that could change on a dime.

I don't want to live in a "bubble" as my sister once said and I don't want to loose focus of what is important in life. I don't mind that my sister and John think I am trendy, but I don't ever want them to think I am a jerk. I think that is the part that worries me most. I never want to be too caught up in shit that doesn't matter to remember the people and things that do.

No one cares that last season purple was the new black.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

" Don't feel bad, we spend all our extra money to travel." says Stew.

"Yeah, I know." I reply.

" We need it to see your family." he says.

"Yeah, that's true. That's the important thing." I reply.

Grabbing the remote, I change the channel.

our love is here to stay.

2009-09-27T11:07:00.004+02:00

two years ago today...

Today, I am even more in love with him. He is everything I could have ever dreamed of and I adore him more with each day that passes. He is my best friend and walking through life with him is my silver lining on the cloudiest of days.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend.

2009-09-26T21:41:00.003+02:00

Last night I worked from the couch until 12:30 Am. On a Friday? I know. But, I have a deadline and I really wanted to spend today and tomorrow work-free. So, I knocked it out last night.

Today we took it pretty easy because Skyler is recovering from a massive cold (her second illness since starting daycare) and Stew seems to be catching it. It was all delightfully relaxed. We strolled the village and stopped off for a grilled scone with clotted cream ice cream and fresh berries and then I went for my DUN, DUN, DUN...DRIVING LESSON.

mmm...grilled scones and a latte.

Today was the second time I was behind the wheel and I was nervous. I tried to drive a bit on Thursday which left Stew screaming, "WATCH THE CURB, WATCH THE CURB! OH MY GOD, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A FLAT TIRE!" You see, driving on the other side of the road makes you want to cling the curb. And, no we did not have a flat tire.

The experiment today went well, especailly considering I drove a manual. I am really very confused by the ever-present-roundabouts. I can understand them in theory, but I get so scared when I have to enter them. Seeing as how they are everywhere here, I have to get a grip on it. We're going out again tomorrow and are going to outfit the car with an "L" plate, which is what people learning do here. It's like a dunce cap for your car.

the little and the big at the Fat Loaf.

We also spent a bit of time wandering the neighboring towns to decide where to rent. I think it's likely we will stay where we are, but there are some more true village type communities we are also considering.

I truly wish we could buy. But, we don't have a feeling for how long we will be here and after our most recent ownership experience, we need to buy a house that we plan on making a long-term home- not as an investment. And, while we are reaching a point that we want to make a long-term commitment to something, we know our lives well enough to know that we can't say where that will be just yet. We love Manc, we really, really do. But, while it has everything we could want in a location it is missing the most important thing- my family.

Updater.

2009-09-20T19:35:00.006+02:00

Hello.

How are You? Yes, you?

Me? Thanks for asking.

The past two weeks have flown by. Literally, flown by. I didn't know what it would be like to balance a home life with a work life now I have Skyler, and if I had made a venture to guess, I don't think it would have been right.

I think the surprising thing is that I am never really not working. What I mean by that is that when I am at work I am busy. And, likewise when I am home, I am busy. Stew and I are in a constant state of motion, with Saturday being our only real break from not just the office, but al the prep work it takes for us to make it to the office.

For example, it's Sunday. That means all laundry for the week needs done, Skyler's outfits need laid out, diaper bag needs packed, daycare bag needs to be packed, nails need done, and my outfit for tomorrow needs to be laid out. It's like life is just a big list of things that need checked off.

And, not that I mind. I am actually every efficient and task driven, so it's fine. But, sometimes I would like to talk to my husband about something other than the correct method for washing baby socks, is the bag packed and oh, man is that poop on your shirt? (It WAS. Skyler's not his).

The job itself is great. I wish I had it two years ago. I could really throw myself into it. There are many exciting challenges and I am involved in so many different areas.

You know how when you are young and your boss is in meetings all day while you do their shit work and you dream of being that boss? Well, the sun is risen the day hath come, I am that person. I am involved in high-level leadership meetings that are changing the face of where the company is going. But, alas, I still have work to do. So, I am working more overtime than I anticipated, which I need to squash or it will be that way forever and ever amen.

Other than that, we bought a car (a 2010 Prius we are still waiting to pick up) survived Skyler's first flu, followed by my first flu as a Mama, a trip to Birmingham, Skyler starting solid foods (organic sweet potato, carrot, and quinoa- which I bought and did not make-I know my limits), took the Factory Records tour, got all my new clothes tailored and...that about brings you up to speed.

Say, this was fun. Let's do this more often. I'll have my people call your people.

Love to all.

Hearts and Stars,

Sara Lou.

six months.

2009-09-14T21:52:00.003+02:00

"little little

mama's little

her little little

the puddy woo woo woo!

little little

mama's little

your little little

and mama loves you."

Happy six months birthday, Skylie!

First day.

2009-09-07T22:08:00.004+02:00

Whether you work in the home, out of the home, or both, it's my opinion that every mother is a working mother. Like the Army, it's the toughest job you will ever love.

First day of work and day care photo.

And, this working mother loves her new job. And, my kiddo loves her new daycare. She was happy as a clam today. All my worries about her being sad and abandoned were unfounded.

She didn't even seem to notice we were not around. Which makes me mostly happy, but a touch sad. I thought being a mother was the one role that was not replaceable. But, I would prefer it this way a million times over. My ego being wounded is way better than my kid's sense of security being wounded.

I missed her more than the moon, but thankfully there is so much to learn and do that I will be plenty busy. It will keep my mind occupied, which will be a help. I am honestly overwhelmed by what a truly supreme job it is. I am amazed, really.

Morning time kisses.

There is so much more excitement to come. But, for now, I must find my bed.

Thanks to everyone who lent their kindness and support through this whole process. It means so much to us. I wish my arms were longer. I would give you a hug.

Lifting Weights.

2009-09-06T23:15:00.006+02:00

With every breathe it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I keep remembering that tomorrow is the day. I know this might sound dramatic, but I honestly feel like I am going to a funeral not an office.

Skyler has had a remarkably hard weekend. She has been running a slight temp, has a runny nose, and a cough. We think it is teeth, but never having experienced the act of cutting chops, we are not sure. It might just be an ill-timed cold. Whatever it is, it's making her so uncomfortable, which makes the idea of taking her to care to tomorrow seem worse. She's pretty hard to comfort at the moment.

I have been reading and re-reading something my Mom sent me via email on Friday-

"Try to remember this quote from Christopher Robin to Winnie The Pooh:
You're braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think."

My Mom has been such an incredible support during this difficult time. She has really been sharing my pain. Without realizing it, she is showing me wanting to keep your kid from hurting is a life long pursuit. Tomorrow is just first step in a long journey.

Hair Brained, Indeed.

2009-09-05T17:58:00.008+02:00

Every time I get a new job I do something stupid to my hair.

With my Portland job I tried to highlight it myself, turned it orange, went to the salon who turned it gray- THE DAY BEFORE MY INTERVIEW.

When I was interviewing for my job in Amsterdam, I went to get a haircut from a guy I didn't know who tried to "hip me up." I ended up with a mullet and had to CUT OFF ALL MY HAIR into a bob to fix it. But, not before an important business trip to New York and a visit to my sister- who at least took some pity on me and took me to her stylist.

Now, two days before my new job, I am long-locked, happy and responsible. No hair experiments. I simply bought a heated round brush to fix my hair fast and easy each morning to preserve plenty of play time with Skylie.

After two hours working on it still looked like this.

I thought I should test out my new look, and ended up with the brush TANGLED IN MY HAIR. The internets recommended using baby oil (bad idea) and peanut butter (even worse idea) to free the brush. After four hours at home, I gave up and went to a salon in our village. It was a sight. Drenched in baby oil and peanut butter, brush in my hair, pajama top on, and on the verge of tears I arrived at their door.

There was no stylist free, but the manicurist took pity on me. She spent two hours fixing this massive mess. It took one additional hour to free the hair from the hot comb and another hour of cutting, conditioning, pulling, combing, tearing and brushing to get rid of the knot (which was three inches long and 1 1/2 inches wide). It was awful. The girl was a total saint and my hero. She didn't even charge me. I gave her 50 bucks anyway, because what a job!

In the end, I lost about two handfuls of hair and unless you were a witness you couldn't tell. Thank God there is not bald spot.

I also lost a precious Saturday. Since all my clothes are coming via FedEx, I have nothing to wear next week. Today was the day we planned to shop. And, I hardly got to spend anytime with my wee girl or husband.

Day Care- Settlement visit 2.

2009-09-04T19:24:00.003+02:00

Today was Skylie's last settlement visit before she goes full-time at day care on Monday. I had been preparing myself all day yesterday for what it would be like this morning. We decided Stewart would carry her in and hand her off, because I would not be physically able.

On the car ride there I felt sick. To combat my focusing on myself, I talked to Skyler about all the things that my working will be able to do for her. I told her about private high school and college and her first car. I reminded myself that my sacrifice today was paving a way for a better tomorrow for her.

When we arrived we met her care worker in the hall. I went over the two page, bullet pointed sheet I had prepared with complete detail. I used my "work voice" and got down to business. After she had been debriefed on all things Skylie, we walked down the hall to the baby room. I never knew a human heart could hurt so badly. Stew handed Skylie to the caregiver and she began to cry. That was my cue, I ran into the hall and sobbed.

Stew came out, hugged me and promised me a LV agenda for work for being brave. We went to the hall and had a coffee. Workers offered me hugs and support. I cried and stopped. I cried and stopped. I cried and stopped.

Skyler's unit leader came out and said Skyler was unsettled. She would cry and stop and cry and stop. She asked if I wanted to go back there. But, she also let me know it would be harder on Skyler. I suggested an underpants change and a bottle. I told her to come and get me if that did not work.

In the meantime, a manager came and took us on a formal tour of all the areas. There is a sensory room to calm, a music room, a dance studio, they have weekly exercise classes, art time, football classes, an outdoor play area for each age group. As we walk through all the rooms all the kids were smiling, playing, laughing and learning. They were genuinely happy.

At the end of the hour, I raced down the hall to the baby room kicked off my shoes and bounded in. Skyler was playing in the corner. Sitting up in a teal Bumbo alternating between a wooden toy and gazing at herself in the mirror. She was content and smiling.

Content and smiling until I picked her up and took her away from her toys. And, then she cried. I didn't get the big smile or warm greeting, but I can't say I cared. She was okay and let's be honest, in this motherhood business, how you feel pales in comparison to how your kid feels.

I am still dreading Monday. And, I still wish things were different. I hope that Miss Skyler will show that same strength and adaptability on Monday. And, I truly hope by the grace of God that her mother can be led by her example.

On my mind right now.

2009-09-03T19:51:00.004+02:00

1) I hate Jon Gosselin just slightly less than I hate George Bush.

2) Nachos.

3) Jellyman Kelly (Mates of States Cover) has been stuck in my mind all day.

4) Nachos.

5) My sister.

6) Nachos.

7) Tomorrow's Daycare visit.

8) Nachos.

9) Emails I need to answer.

10) Nachos.

And, Nachos it is.

A Mom is a good thing to have.

2009-09-02T19:21:00.002+02:00

To take my mind off my humpty dumpty heart my mom talked to me for a record 5 hours, 7 minutes and 17 seconds straight.

She's a saint that women. A saint in a sinners body. heh.*

*At least I still have my sense of humor.

Girl Interrupted.

2009-09-01T23:40:00.002+02:00

Hi, friends. Not much of a post today. I spent my time on a creative writing exercise and research on domain names for a new blog I am thinking of writing. We'll see if either of them come to fruition.

In the meantime, I'll just tell you a new thing I learned about Skyler. She does not like livestock. Nope. She does not indeed.

Yesterday was a holiday here in jolly ol' England, and we took her to a community farm here in Manchester. I am a sucker for any kind of livestock, really. And, I had high hopes for my wee girl. When we arrived I took her over to see three of the largest pigs I had ever seen. I mean they were massive! I turned my body so see could see them, she crinkled her nose, and started to sob.

Then we walked over to see chickens and peacocks. I was clucking away (literally) and Skyler looked so bored it was like I took her to an exhibit of different paint colors drying.

I passed her back to Stew and she was all smiles. Until...he knelt down so I could take their picture near some sheep. She looked over, stuck out her lip and started to pout. In moments, the waterworks were on and we were headed to the car.

It would have been so cute had she not been so distraught. It was really a sight.

Okay, that's all. Happy Tuesday, guys.

Counting Down. Or Maybe just down.

2009-08-31T16:05:00.002+02:00

It's t-minus seven days until I start my job. It would be a lie to say I haven't been struggling every day. Every day I try to focus on new clothes and opportunities so I don't crumble into little pieces so small that it would take a dustpan to contain what is left of me.

There are many good things about going back to work, namely that Skyler will have a better life in the long run. But, since she has been born I have only been away from her the four nights in the hospital, for an hour long trip to the dentist, and the 6 hour tour when my purse was stolen. I shower with her, I nap with her, I sleep with her next to me at night. She and I are always, always together.

Last week I sat down to type up a list of things I know about her to pass on the the folks at daycare. She is only five and 3/4 months old, but there is a world to know about her. The sound she makes when she has peed, the way she rubs her eyes when she is tired. the way she likes to be sung to and danced with... I want to write it down, to help her be more comfortable. But, every time I try I can't. They are my hard-earned secrets. The mystery of Puddy Woo in a long list. I. just. can't. do. it.

I cannot admit that she is really going to day care. Care for the day. A day that starts with me and ends with me but has some other faceless, nameless accented women as it's creamy center.

I have had too many people comment on "how good it will be for her to go to daycare." Maybe those people want me to feel better or maybe they are insensitive assholes who don't realize they are implying that someone could do better for my child than I can. Either way, I just want to yell, "FUCK OFF. YOU DON'T GET IT."

She's my kid. Mine. And, no one, not even Stewart can understand how intensely painful it is for me to leave her to be raised by a stranger. In no uncertain terms it will be the very hardest thing I have done in my entire life. Most times in life the hard thing and the right thing are one in the same, it doesn't make it easier.

I feel like the biggest pile of dog crap that next Monday when she wakes up from her first, second and third nap I will not be the one to pick her up and hold her. I worry she will feel scared and sad and abandoned by the only person she knows is always there. I worry that she doesn't know how to sleep by herself because she has never done it. I worry that she will be lonely. I worry that I cannot admit how worried I am and that I cry daily alone. I worry she will never forgive me and that I may be not able to forgive myself.

When I hug her I apologize to her over and over for letting her down. I wish I could do better. I wish I had another option. I wish the fucking flat would sell. I wish we moved by my Mom so she could take care of her. I wish a million things on a million pennies dropped into a million fountains.

But, every day I wake up and I am a day closer. This week we need to go to the day care center twice. Once so I can see it and stay and play with her there for an hour. And, once we will leave her there for an hour on her own and wait in the "parents lounge."

I pray I can contain myself and not make it worse for her. Because that is what it all comes down to...what is best for her. As cliche as it is, that tiny person means everything to me.

Tatton Park Family Outing.

2009-08-31T00:07:00.004+02:00

Today we took a 30 minute drive out into the countryside to Tatton Park.

There is an old lovely mansion at the park. Very regal.

The sun hid most of the day, making the air cool and brisk as we walked the trails.

Skyler seemed to enjoy the fresh air and looked thoughtfully at all the trees.

Skyler wore a cute hat from her Auntie Diane. I made the flower pin myself.

Not to be outdone by his offspring, Stewart bought a dapper hat.

Stew and Skylie had a cute-off. It was a tie.

We ate homemade organic mushroom soup and scones for lunch at the stable restaurant.

All-in-all it was a lovely day. We really enjoyed the park and are grateful that there are four national parks within 40 minutes of our house. This park has many holiday events, and we are hoping to catch a ghost or two at the haunted hall this October and maybe even Father Christmas when he stops over in December.

Mama's Little.

2009-08-29T21:00:00.005+02:00

I have started calling Skyler Mama's Little and sometimes even Little Little. It seems to suit her, so tiny and so delicate.

This morning we laid in bed, three ducks in a row. Stew and I took turns staring, smiling and laughing with her as she flopped from side to side, grabbing at each of us. She tugged our noses, my hair, his beard and mostly, my heart.

Mama & her Little.

Just when I thought she had cornered the market on being adorable she surprises me and ups the ante. Today she did the sweetest thing yet. We were standing in Calvin Klein and Stewart was holding onto Skyler. I finished browsing and found them standing in the menswear.

I asked Skyler, "Do you want to come to Mama?" And, she answered by smiling broadly, leaning forward and reaching her arms out to me.* My heart exploded. I grabbed my wee daughter and proceeded to dance with her to the loud, horn-heavy big band song blaring through the store.

Mama's Big & Little.

At once Skyler erupted into the most hysterical of baby giggles. Laughing and shrieking we danced our way out of the store. My beautiful daughter laughing in my arms and my wonderful husband by my side. Amused and not embarrassed by his wife boogying her way through her errands to make his daughter smile. As we made our way up the mall all three of us laughing, I was happier than I have her been.

My family.

These two people are my people. My family. They made me who I am today. They made me a wife and a mother and I will be ever grateful.

* Skyler's new reaching trick is not a fluke, as we tested it out several times, each with the same wonderful result.

Professional Me.

2009-08-27T10:14:00.006+02:00

My name is Sara Louise, and I struggle with my professional persona. This has been the bane of my life ever since I had my first professional job at the ripe ol' age of 24. I look and act much younger than I am. You would never match my resume with my appearance or choice of words. I am loud, funny, silly and talk like I should be on a snowboard- not in a board room. It's been a real pain in ass.

Yep, it's a work outfit. Tightest Jeans. Ever.

It's not that I don't know what to do. Or how to do it. To be honest, I have made good money while bucking the system and the extra cash or responsibility was never worth the extra effort. I am honestly really good at what I do and my quality of work made my former bosses willing to overlook my quirks. Because of that, I was too lazy to bother sorting it out.

I never had to have a job before. What I mean by that is that I have worked to support myself. My lifestyle. I had no reason beyond wanting to travel or a new handbag to work harder. And the inconvenience of working so hard at my professional self never was more important than the financial gain. But, now the hours I spend at work will pay for Skyler's education, her wedding, and her first car. My paycheck gives her opportunities so I am ready to kick unholy ass on the job.

With just two weeks until my new job starts I am focused with laser presicion on my work wardrobe and demeanor. If I don't get the impression right out of the gate it will be an uphill battle the rest of the time I am there. I am aware going in that I have more experience than any of my peers and my new manager already views me as a team leader. And, for the first time ever, I want to look like it.

At work while in PDX. You'd trust me with 20 Million USD, yeah?

Today I made my largest single purchase of clothing ever. I am actually sweating after hitting the "confirm order" button. In my bag of 17 items was a proper suit! A real suit! I bought it in grey because when my Grandma Scott wore a suit to trade shows it was always grey.

For the first time in my career, I will hang up my Harajuku Lovers Tees and save 'em for Sundays. My work wear will be actual work wear. I am excited about this new step. And, personally I think that a LV agenda would be the perfect compliment to my pencil skirts and cardies. Because, somethings (thank God) will never change.

An Open Letter to Budinski's.

2009-08-26T20:09:00.001+02:00

Dear Ever Present Advice Givers,

I am walking down the street and you cross my path. Clearly, I can see you are fat. Does that make it appropriate to give you advice on your weight? Should I tell you in a hushed, overly sweet voice that maybe you don't need that second cookie? Should I tell you my cousin's best friend's uncle's neighbor once was fat and they did weight watchers and now they look great? Should I give you a list of all the health benefits of losing weight?

The answer is no. That would be considered rude, right? But, why isn't it just as rude to give me advice about my child? Isn't it exactly the same thing? Just because you can see I have a kid, does not mean I want your opinion on how to parent, soothe, feed or care for my kid.

In fact, when you offer me your unsolicited advice I turn down the volume on the conversation and start playing last night's episode of Friends in my head. So, if I am smiling and nodding it's just because that Chandler is so damn funny. Not because I think that your crossing a boundary with me is okay.

To be honest, I don't appreciate any unsolicited advice of any kind. I don't give it and I don't accept it. No one knows how to live their life better than they do. It's just a fact.

So, here are six short rules on giving me advice:

1) Did you give birth to me/my husband?

If you did not give birth to us, please don't try to parent us. We each already have one set of parents to irritate, we don't need or want another. We do not want your advice.

2) You did give birth to us but we are over 18?

Nice work, you have some awesome kids. But, if we are a legally adults, we do not want your advice.

3) Do you pay our bills?

I happen to believe if you accept someone's financial help, you are somewhat obligated to taking their opinion. We currently pay our own bills, but if you would like to send us money to start taking your opinion, e-mail me and I will send you our home address.

Other than that, no, we do not want your advice.

4) Where you a party to the conception of our child?

Unless you were one of the two people who "did the damn thing" and sent his swimmers to meet my egg, we do not want your opinion.

5) But I am the child's Aunt/Uncle/Grandparent/Cousin/Admirer on the Street?

Congratulations, you have a truly remarkable Niece/Grandkid/Cousin/Object of Affection. We still do not want your opinion.

6) I raised a child 30+ years ago and had the very first addition of "what to expect when you are expecting" which was etched into stone like Moses' tablet. Does that mean I can give you my advice?

I am very happy that you had a child and that you learned something from it. Please wait 7-10 days for your official "it's awesome to be you" certificate to arrive in your mailbox. But, no, we still don't want your advice.

There is only ONE, and I mean ONE exception to the above rules....wait for it...

WE ACTUALLY ASK YOUR OPINION!

Look, I don't know everything. My husband, also doesn't know everything. And, neither of us is too proud to admit when we don't know something. In fact, we rely on experts when we have choices to make for our daughter. We research things in books and on the inter-webs. We seek advice from a variety of people we trust who we deem to be a expert on the subject. But, because you saw my kiddo cry in the frozen foods aisle of Tesco doesn't make you one of those people.

If you stopped to consider the sheer scope of comments any new mother gets in a day, you would realize that advice can become very annoying not to mention confusing. If I listened to every person who blurted out some random tip I would be conflicted because 9/10ths of the advice people give contradicts one another.

Child-rearing is not a one size fits all adventure. Every family, baby, circumstance, culture and dynamic is different. Each one requires it's own way of being. The people who know what that way of being is right for said child would be their parents. And, just because you did it differently doesn't mean we are doing it wrong. Learn this now, and it will serve you your whole life through- there is more than one way to skin a cat.

You may think I am an asshole for feeling this way. I cannot say that will keep me up at night. In case you haven't figured it out by now, I generally don't care about someone else's opinion is of me. But, if you would like me to care you can send your hate mail along with your payment (per rule number 3) to my home address.

Thanks,

The Management.

Nacho Mama.

2009-08-24T20:15:00.006+02:00

Breaking news- Cindy Crawford is 43 and (gasp) has cellulite. Yes, this is actually considered a "top story" by US weekly today. It made me laugh. Cellulite isn't really anything that crosses my mind, but if I have it, Cindy Crawford now confirms it is acceptable (phew)!

I have actually been dropping weight at an insane amount over the past month or so. I haven't done anything too radical. But, when I went to the Gap I was down from my pre-preggo size 4 to a size 2, which genuinely surprised me.

Cindy in all her "real woman" glory.

I thought I would be so relived and happy to be back to my pre-Hollish size. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I can recognize myself again. I am shocked that my abs are flat as a board and firm after having the kiddo. But, when I look down, there are days that I feel a little sad. It reminds me of when we left Amsterdam. What was once a loving home was just an empty apartment.

Last night no one in our house got more than two hours sleep causing Skyler to have far more salty moments than sweet. On days like today, when everything is a bit more difficult than it could be, I find my hand running over my abdomen thinking that tiny apartment will stay vacant. Having a child is the best thing we have ever done but it is so much work. And, because we have no family support there is no one to lighten the load. And, if you carry any load too long it starts to make you a little tired and wary.

Of course, there are other days where I look around the room and feel like there are people missing from our lives. A baby P and a baby H. And, I miss them with my whole heart even though we have not met yet.

I don't know what the future holds. In fact it is fair to say, I hardly know what the week holds. There is no way of knowing if I will ever go back down that road and bear another child. To be certain the only thing I I do know is that I am eating the yummiest El Paso Nachos for dinner. And, I will even load on extra cheese in honor of Cindy Crawford and her news worthy cottage cheese thighs, which are managing to piss off women everywhere.

Everyday is like Sunday.

2009-08-23T19:25:00.003+02:00

The weather this afternoon was overcast, but nice. So, we decided to walk down to a restaurant called The Fat Loaf for an early dinner. And, no I don't think that is a nice name for a restaurant, either.

We ordered the Sunday Roast complete with potatoes, turnip mash, green beans, cauliflower covered in cheese and yorkshire pudding. It was really quite nice. Come visit, I'll take you there.

Stew was more than delighted with the yorkshire pudding as big as his head.

Skyler played contently in her stroller until she sensed we were eating. And then...

She proceeded to cry.

As soon as she was in the bearded man's lap all was right with the world.

After we finished our dinner and dessert (a scone with cream and jam) we went for a stroll around the Botanical Gardens. Which was full of happy families like ours.

Lessons in Love.

2009-08-22T01:13:00.005+02:00

My husband's love has taught me many lessons. On our way home from the Bro's wedding this week I sat and considered many of them, and thought I would share one of them that has had a large impact on my life.

he's not just super cute. he's my very best friend.

A person who loves you, truly loves you, always wants you to be your very best self. They support you, encourage you and inspire you to be all you can be. Under no circumstance do they try to dull your light to make theirs brighter. They celebrate each success you have as if it were their own.

Above all they want you to be happy, whatever that means and however that looks to you.

Work it, girl.

2009-08-21T21:49:00.004+02:00

When I was senior in college they had us do an exercise where we visualized our lives in ten years. When I closed my eyes I saw myself in full-color. I had blonde hair down my back, a camel colored cashmere knee-length coat, a complimentary burberry scarf and a coordinating Coach bag. I was a professional on my way to an important meeting.

Me and my fellow fashion majors, senior year. Chicago, IL, circa 2000.

I bought the coat as a birthday gift for myself this past January. And, this weekend I got a new Burberry scarf (along with matching gloves). And we all know of my well established handbag collection. The image of the person I had hoped to be within a 10-years of graduating has come to fruition in only eight years.

Oh, and the important meeting? I never quite defined that aspect. It was always a blurry part of the image. But, I can tell you I have lots of important meetings to go to.

The company Stewart works for was never able to find a stronger candidate than me. So, my gamble to hold off and see my maternity leave through paid off. I got to finish my time with Skyler AND I got my dream job. Truly, a dream job! It's an International position that will specialize in China, an emerging marketplace.

China was my first choice for an international assignment, but I was swayed to Europe. Although I will miss Stewart and Skyler, if I have to travel going to Shanghai would be my top choice behind the USA.

skyler everly. world's best everything.

You may recall I doubted that any woman can have it all back in my first trimester, when I was green and puking. Sitting at my desk was horrible. Then as the pregnancy progressed I couldn't even do that. Now, many months on the other side, I am ready to try it again. To have it all. And, if I can find a way to balance it, I will have it all. Awesome husband, world's best kid, and dream job.

Now, I know what you are thinking? What about my soul searching? What about staying home with Skyler? Well, I will continue to try to find a way to support myself through writing. And, TRUST ME, being a Mama is my calling. It is what I do best. But, we have long-term plans that require two incomes. I wish it was different, but right now I have to accept what is. And, what is is that I have to work.

Awesome hubs.

And, if I have to work at least I will be doing something I have a deep passion for. There is a daycare next door, so I can go over at lunch. My new boss has committed to keeping all my travel short and no overtime. If I have to work outside the home, it is as ideal as it could possibly be.

Besides, you cannot beat the view. That awesome husband of mine* will be in the same room, working just three rows up. Being able to steal glances of the real deal beats a framed picture any day.

*Stew was dancing around the room because we have dreamed of working together. He is really happy.

Christmas in August.

2009-08-18T22:08:00.004+02:00

While Christmas is for Santa and his big white beard, yesterday was for Sara Claus & Grandma Claus!

Part of Skylie's stash.

When the FedEx guy rang our bell yesterday it was amazing! There were so many lovely treats for our lovely girl! Dresses, T-shirts, PJ's, shoes, leg warmers- everything our little Skyler needs to be, as my mother says, "stylin." There were some nice teethers, bibs and toys for Ms. Skylie as well! And, even a thing or two for me!

New shoes for our little lady.

To top it off Grammy B finally hooked up her web cam, so she was able to watch as we opened (and opened, and opened) all of our treats. Some where purchased by me and some were from my Mom and Dad.

We just appreciate it so much. Just the fact my Mom spent her whole afternoon packing this beast of a box is so sweet not to mention all the time and effort she spent picking out the sweet clothes and toys for Skylie. There is even a pair of pink shoes that are almost like ballet shoes she managed to score. I definately got the shopping gene from my Mama. She's a pro!

My Mom gave Skylie this toy and she is crazy about it!

It was really special because when I thought of having kids I really looked forward to trips to the mall with my daughter and my Mom and I have not gotten to do that yet! So, this was a nice long distance substitute! I am hoping that the real thing will happen sooner than later as my Mom keeps saying she is going to come to Manc soon. I do hope she does. I think she will like it because we LOVE it!

Where there's smoke... THERE IS FIRE.

2009-08-15T22:52:00.007+02:00

Tonight we were enjoying my parents cable TV from afar, vegging out to MTV when I saw my Mom had called me. It's pretty late for her to call, which is unusual. I had a nagging feeling I should check the message, but thought I was being silly.

Then my beloved Slingbox cut off and I could not reconnect. Odd.I was going to go to sleep, but could not shake the feeling something was wrong. I checked the message and it was one very upset Mama. Apparently a neighbor disposed of a fire pit poorly and causing the neighbors house to burn to the ground. My Mom said the neighbors car actually exploded.

5 fire departments came in to fight the blaze.

The bond between Mother and Daughter is quite strong. I am no empath, but when my Mama is in need, I always know and vise versa. We have quite a bond, me and my Mama. She's a great lady. I am glad that despite the ocean between us we remain as close and connected as ever.

It is a windy day and the fire spread to two other homes, including my parents next door neighbor. At one point the fire department actually told my Mama to evacuate the house. So she gathered up bank info, photo albums and my ALF doll. What a lady! I was actually ready to ask her if she had him when she confirmed he had been saved. Whewwwww.... All our memories and favorite possessions where in baskets on the front lawn. The image makes me sad.

Funnily enough, I spoke to my Dad who said he came home and there was a "bunch of crap outside." One mans crap is indeed another (wo)mans treasure.

The view of our neighbors house from my parents back yard.

The upside is that no one was harmed in the massive fire. The down side is that my neighborhood will certainly look different. And, it sounds like everyone (including my parents who's siding melted) has some major work to do to get their houses in order.

I do feel so badly for all the people whos lives were turned upside down today. My heart and prayers go out to them.

Skoo is 5 months old.

2009-08-14T19:49:00.005+02:00

I can hardly believe it. 5 months ago today Skylie burst on the scene and things have not slowed down a bit since. It's hard not to think about the fact that when I was 5 months into my pregnancy was the first time I saw her angel face. I was mesmerized by it. I couldn't believe how pretty she was. And, it was also the day we found out she was a girl!

Weird things I do as a Mom.

2009-08-13T19:25:00.003+02:00

I want Skyler to feel encouraged, so whatever she does I cheer. I am the kind of person who generally likes to cheer, so this arrangement works well for us.

She really enjoys being praised, but her favorite by far is when I cheer for her making a good pee-pee. I know, it's totally weird. It's a bodily function, it's not like you can do it wrong. What is even weirder is that SHE LOVES IT.

Skyler Ev- World's Best Pee-er.

Each time I change her diaper I ooo-and-ahhh over the amazing job she did. She especially seems to like it when I pretend call the Guinness World Book of Records to report on what is surely "the world's biggest and best pee-pee!" She beams with pride. It's really odd, but so damn cute.

If someone would have told me a year ago that changing a diaper could be so much fun I would have called them a liar. But, then again, a year ago I didn't know the sheer amazingness that is Miss Skyler Everly.

Overheard.

2009-08-12T20:16:00.009+02:00

Sara: "Skylie why are you such a princess?"

Stew: "Because her Mom is a Queen."

Sara: "Yeah, so is her Dad."

Both: Ridiculous laugher.

Sleeping Beauty.

2009-08-10T22:14:00.005+02:00

Moving to Manchester left us short a space for Skyler to sleep the first few nights. So, we put her in our bed. We have discovered, we love having her there squished between us. Despite the fact she is prone to kicking each of us in the face during the night, neither one of us can bear to move her back into the crib.

little dreamer snug as a bug.

Each morning she gently will touch my face and then Stew's. Trading off back and forth until we are awake. Opening my eyes to that gummy smile is honestly the best way to start the day. Even if she is a little bed hog.

A slip of the lip sinks the ship.

2009-08-09T18:15:00.006+02:00

I have always been a very open person. In fact, I think most people who know me would consider me an open book. I don't know why, but I have been that way my whole life. In the past, there was no information that I considered private. My boss would get the same info that my mother would, that my best friend would, that the random women in the grocery line would. I didn't have a public and a private self.

I kept no boundaries. I was so comfortable in my own skin I didn't see a need for it. But, I have learned that to be so open is a liability. Not every person uses information for good, and to be honest it's just not appropriate at times. It has been something that has definately hurt me in my life. But, even after being taught the lesson over and over I could not grasp it. My mouth was like Pandora's Box. And, once it was open it was OPEN.

i can hold my tongue.

I am married to a very private person. My husband is very careful with who he shares himself with. It's not my right to share things with people he wouldn't. It's not my right to invite people into his life by sharing intimate details he would choose to leave out.

Perhaps it's because of his example or maybe I have just gotten tired of shouldering the complications being so open brings; but I have begun to crave privacy. You are probably thinking that I blog? How could that be private? And, that's true, some of my thoughts and opinions are detailed on this blog. But, if you have read any of my other blogging efforts, this blog isn't very personal. I stick to broader themes and stuff I enjoy writing about. I do think that the time may come that I prefer to blog anonymously, or I may decide to abandon blogging all together and start a journal. Having to be censored makes it difficult to be honest. And, honesty is what makes great writing.

Since the conception of my daughter I have slowly been changing the way I allow people into my life. It's been really hard, especially with people I already have an established relationship with. There is an amazing amount of opinions and judgement you allow into your life when you share with the wrong people. It breeds stress because it leaves you exposed. Instead of building a relationship it builds resentments, both against the other party and myself.

This is a place I didn't know I could get to in my life. And, I cannot tell you how much happier I am for it.

Pandora's box is now closed.

Maybe I'll See You on the Moon.

2009-08-07T20:21:00.006+02:00

My father has spent his whole life working in our family business to support all of us. He put two kid's through college and for five years supported three independent households singlehandedly. It's is so impressive but, it makes me sad. While my dad has never said so, but I don't think he has enjoyed his work very much. Six days each week he has slaved away for our benefit. There are times I feel terribly guilty that my happiness probably cost his.

My Dad getting ready to do something he DOES love- cycle. Mount Hood, Oregon circa 2005.

The first time I met my sister's husband I asked him if he liked what he did. His southern accent as thick as maple syrup, he replied "It's called work- not play." I will never forget it. It never dawned on me that I would have a job that is just a job. The idea of doing anything eight hours a day that I was not deeply passionate about seems like a prison sentence. If I am not interested in something, I don't think I could do a decent enough job to still have a job. I wouldn't have the motivation to not be fired. I have two speeds, stop or full on. I am just wired that way.

Passion for fashion. Ball State University Senior Show, Muncie, Indiana, circa 2001.

One of my biggest hopes for Skyler, is that she can make money doing something she loves. And, I am committed to leading by example. Today we listened to the kid's song, "See You on the Moon" by the Great Lake Swimmers on repeat.

"There's lots of things you can be,

When you grow up just wait and see,

There's lots of things we can be,

When we grow up just wait and see..."

If Skylie Woo is going to be the awesomely bold broad we know has the potential to be, it's not too early to start letting her know she can do anything she sets her mind to. And, once she decides what that is, her Dad and I will happily pay for college with the money we earned doing the jobs we love.

Dream Big, kid.

PS> I think everyone should listen to it, big or small. It's a good reminder to all to keep fighting the good fight. It's never too late to decide what you wanna be when you grow up.

An Open Letter to Baby Boundary Breakers.

2009-08-06T08:30:00.002+02:00

To all the Baby Touchers,

I know my daughter is cuter than a drawer full of buttons. I know that her smiles are warmer than the sun and have the power to turn a day around. I also know is tiny and unable to defect stimulus or unwanted attention.

I don't pet peoples dogs without asking and I certainly would not walk up and touch some stranger's kid. I would not squeeze their chubby little hand (no matter how cute it is) because that baby will stick her hand back in her mouth as soon as I let go. No stranger wants to worry about getting my germs in their babies mouth.

It really makes no sense to me. The other day our land lady came around and got in Skyler's face. I was trying to be gracious and when the lady grabbed hold of Skylie's hand I thought, "no, worries, I'll just wipe it off." Then this stupid, stupid women cut out the middle man and stuck her own dirty god-forsaken finger in my daughter's mouth. IN HER MOUTH.

I sat for a second and had to restrain myself from sticking my finger in the land lady's mouth. How would she like my fingers tickling her tonsils?

I don't understand why in the world people have different boundaries with a baby than they would any other person? If we were causal acquaintances would you expect that I would sit on your lap? That you could play with my cheeks? That you could hold me two inches from your nose? NO! So, why-oh-why would you expect that you could do that with my child? It makes no sense to me.

So, baby touchers next time you go to manhandle my kid in the market or in an elevator please know that I am an eye-for-an-eye kind of person. I will go biblical on your ass and return whatever gesture you have forced onto my kid.

Yours Truly-

sllsc.

lost and found.

2009-08-05T11:17:00.004+02:00

My life as of late seems to be a constant battle of losing and gaining in somewhat equal measure. It's odd, because it feels like I am in the middle of some terribly strategic game- only I don't know what the rules are so I am never quite sure what move to make.

For some reason, I am incredibly jinxed in the material goods department. Now, you might not believe in such a thing, but I swear somewhere there is a tiny Sara voodoo doll and someone is picking off my favorite goods one by one.

Found: Claire. Snap from Seoul circa 2004.

Case-and-point, in the last month I have:

- dropped my MacBook and it is now held together with super glue

- had my new LV stolen

- my ipod touch stolen

- my LV wallet stolen

- took our new jeans to the tailor and they were all hemmed uneven. No joke. My husband looks like he has one short short leg

- My brand-new hudson jeans have a hole in the knee after only wearing them for 4 hours

- I touched my daughters pink cardie and the sleeve split from wrist to armpit

- My hair is falling out by the handful (oh, hormones)

Found: Chat from Laura. Snap circa 2005, Kansas City.

But, in return I have found a lot of things:

- A sense of freedom from the sadness of a friendship that as long since run its course

- I located my dear friend Claire from South Korea

- I found my college buddy Tori on the FB (and she is coming to v

isit in Rock-tober)

- Received some much needed chat from the Lovely Laura

- Birthday card for Annie that blasted Tina Turner's "Simply the Best"

- How to work our new washer/dryer combo (the laundries were piling up)

- Cookie Crisp, Corn Pops, reduced fat foods all at Tesco

- My clavicles. I am back to my pre-Hollish form. woot!

- New Tailor to re-hem jeans and mend hole

Yin.

Yang.

Balance Restored.

sesc.

2009-08-04T23:17:00.006+02:00

Miss Skyler Everly, you will never ever be able to know how very much I love being your mother. I thought you would be like my little satellite, but I was sorely mistaken, I am yours. Everything starts, stops, moves... around you.

You are the sun, lighting my way, helping me see thing for the first time.

You are my teacher. Teaching me new lessons each day.

You are my every breath and my heart is held in your chubby, spitty hands.

There is a part of me that feels quite unworthy. Shocked and awe-stricken that of all the parents that your soul could have chosen you chose us. And, when I look in your eyes, I am still surprised.

The dark ring around your iris and the fact that they can sway from blue to grey and back again. They are my own eyes looking back at me. How much of me is you and how much of you is me?

I love you without wanting anything in return. You don't even need to love me back. Just being able to enjoy loving you enough.

You don't have to do anything. Just being you is more than enough.

Thank you.

I am nothing if I am not obsessed.

2009-08-03T21:11:00.003+02:00

Manchester continues to be wonderful. We had a great weekend filled with much fun and excitement. We hit two HUGE malls (hello, Gap. how I have missed you), a refugee festival, an art exhibit (Skyler's first) and toured a cathedral from the 1300's.

I am sorry I have not writing...I have been consumed by reading.

Kel recommended the Twilight series, and in since my post on Saturday I have read a book and a half. About 700 pages. I am a notoriously fast reader. Sadly, I think that I will likely finish Eclipse tonight. Then I will have to be patient until I can get back to Borders for Breaking Dawn. She is right they are super good.

Until next time, here is a picture of my other obsession- Skyler's chunka monka legs. Utterly adorable.

Driving Miss Crazy.

2009-07-31T22:24:00.003+02:00

One of the most exciting things about our move is that we can have a car easily. We have been so excited by all the opportunities and adventures it would allow our family to take.

Skyler will melt down. She has no qualms.

Cue screaming baby. Yup, Skyler- breaking all baby stereotypes- hates the car. Hates it. She screams and cries. That is unless I am back there with her. Then she is quiet and peaceful while gripping my finger like she's the incredible hulk.

So, my lovely husband has been carting us around like a taxi driver. Bless him.

Normal is the new black.

2009-07-30T18:23:00.005+02:00

Stop for a second and think about what makes your life livable.

Did you think about the fact you have a car?

Did you think about how enjoyable it is to plop down in a restaurant and be able to read the entire menu?

Did you think about how nice it is to be able to have a polite chat with a stranger?

Did it cross your mind how lovely it is to visit the supermarket and be able to get 20 different kinds of soda?

Stars- They're Just like US!

You probably didn't. Those are things people take for granted. I know I did. After my adventure in Holland, I have learned its these little conveniences- these tiny joys that compound to make a person's quality of life good. After going without them for so long each one feels like an extreme luxury.

Reading all about R-Patz in People.

That may be why today we decided to have a wonderful day doing things that most other people consider mundane. We all went to Borders and had lunch at the Starbucks Cafe inside. Stew and I read People and US Weekly over our lattes while Skyler slept. It was so normal. So average. So utterly delightful.

i like it here a latte. punny.

After that we wandered around the shopping complex aimlessly. Drifting in and our of stores. Amazed and literally overwhelmed by the amount of choices available.

Our trip ended at Toys 'R Us where amongst other things we bought Skyler her first handbag- which came with a lipstick rattle, crinkly "baby money", a compact with a mirror, and keys. It is way too girly and the play money is over the top obnoxious- but I HAD TO GET IT FOR HER. Her first purse!

Skyler and her new bag and her old one. heh.

See? Totally, wonderfully, joyfully a NORMAL day. Or what I remember a normal day being.

Total bliss.

Absolute Beginners.

2009-07-29T20:57:00.007+02:00

This morning I opened my eyes to my daughter smiling. Her gummy grin reached from ear to ear. I glanced over to my husband. His eyelids were heavy; but his eyes twinkled.

I didn't need to think to remember where I was, as you often do when you have moved. I immediately knew.

Glancing towards the window at the leafy green trees who were waving good morning, my soul felt light. For the first time in a long time I was not living in regret, I was dwelling in possibility. I am right were I belong.

I leaned down and kissed my smiling daughter and extended my hand to my husband. Laying in bed side by side, we were a trio of beginners. A family who is finally home.

I could say more. But, I think that for today, I will close with a little song that is heavy in rotation:

"When you're absolute beginners, it's a panoramic view

From her majesty Mount Zion, and the kingdom is for you

When you tumble upon that valley
Shark or sparrow line the stairs
When the arrows start descending, then they scatter everywhere

On a bookshelf in Caladonia sits a map of passageways

Best to stumble upon Mount Zion to behold the natural gates

They say the original sinners never felt a drop of pain
Until that second in the garden, then they felt it each and every day

So draw back your bows, you hunters who have never felt that plain
All the absolute beginners, they are safe in the shade for today "

- M. Ward/ For Beginners

Ha-ha-holland.

2009-07-27T17:42:00.002+02:00

Because nothing here is ever simple or "possible" Stewart, Skylie and I find ourselves in Amsterdam again tonight. I went to replace my license and there was no way they could mail it to me, allow someone else to get it, or send it to the Dutch embassy. I had two choices: pay extra and pick it up tomorrow or wait and get it Friday.

So, we are picking it up tomorrow morning. Which is exciting because I replaced my LV wallet, but have nothing to put in it! So, at least I will have my lil' license.

The movers came today and the house is totally empty, so we will all be sleeping on the floor ghetto style. We managed to unpack a few blankets and made a nice little bed for Skylie. She must like it because she is sawing logs on it as I type. Stew and I will just suck it up and sleep on the hardwood floor.

So, like it or not, the damn Dutch manage to get the last laugh.

last dance.

2009-07-26T19:16:00.002+02:00

It's hard to believe that tonight is our last night in our house in Amsterdam. It has taken so long but the final sprint has happened so quickly.

Tomorrow is going to be an intense juggling act. I have to go and file for a new license at 7:30*, the movers arrive by 8 AM, then they pack and move their brains out until 3PM and Stewart and I clean from 3-4PM.

Because we left Skyler's baby seat in Georgia, we cannot all travel to the airport together. So, at 4PM I will take Skyler and whatever luggage I can manage via the train. Stewart will follow a half hour later in a taxi with the rest of the mountain of luggage.

We need to get there early because our flight is beyond dumb. The company booked a budget carrier that does not include any checked luggage. They would only pay for 100 pound of belongings total. So, we will have an overage charge that is higher than the cost of the flight.

Then it's on to my Oasis- duty free shopping. We're going to get a GPS for the car, a phone for me (since mine was ganked) and maybe a new ipod (also ganked).

The flight departs at 7 and gets into Manc at 10:00.

It's going to be a long day, especially for Skylie, who in the midst of all the action today rolled over from back to tummy.

*It will take 6-8 weeks to get my license. :(

Your Daily Cuteness.

2009-07-25T22:17:00.001+02:00

I got sunshine on a cloudy day.

prayers for rain.

2009-07-24T22:51:00.005+02:00

Dear God-

After my recent rash of bad luck, including having my fave LV bag, wallet, ids, bank cards, credit cards and ipod touch stolen today, I wonder how long can it could go on? My only other rash of unfortunate circumstances was from Jan 2004- Feb 2005, when everything that could go wrong did. It was a challenging and tiring year.

Someone said that luck is nothing more than taking probability personally. I think that is how I want to look at it. It makes me feel better than to think the universe is against me. Or that you are against me. Maybe I should give out a shout out to St. Jude, because I am starting to feel like a lost cause myself. Or at least a jinx.

I have asked myself lots of times what you are trying to teach me through the things I have been through lately. I cannot clearly see a lesson. Sometimes I think maybe you want me to see what is really important. Other times I think you are trying to help me see that I cannot control the outcome of things. I need to accept life and situations as is. I have begun to think I am thick headed, because a lesson can usually be learned by a whisper. But, as of late I feel like you are yelling and beating me upside the head with a weighty brick.

I don't want to win the lottery. I don't need a windfall. I just need bad things to stop happening. I just need a small reprieve to catch my breathe.

Thank you for the fact that I was not harmed when my purse was taken. Thank you for helping us to act quickly enough that our locks could be changed today and we can sleep safely tonight. Thank you for my supportive husband and smiling daughter.

Please help me to have pity for the thief. Please help them with whatever problem they are having that makes them desperate enough to harm others.

Amen.

Home is where the art is.

2009-07-23T19:39:00.004+02:00

Dear Mom and Dad-

Thanks for having a sense of humor about my bedroom decor. It makes you seriously awesome parents.

Love-

sllsc.

My bedroom, circa 1992. I was 15.

Yes, there is a Pauly Shore poster above my bed, thank you very much.

Yang, Baby.

2009-07-22T20:56:00.006+02:00

In a bit of good luck, our visas came in yesterday- 10 days before they were expected. This means that we are in kicking it into high gear to get everything accomplished before our big move next Monday.

As you can see, Skyler was suitably thrilled.

"What? Me? I am just sitting here."

"No, I am not going to eat it, Mama."

"I'll eat my US Social Security card instead. Freedom tastes better."

hollish memories top ten.

2009-07-21T09:04:00.000+02:00

As we get ready to leave Holland, I find myself looking back on all of my favorite memories of the last few years. Here are some highlights...

10-Picnics at Vondel Park.

It's largest park in Amsterdam and smells like a college dorm on a Thursday night. It's the perfect place to cop a squat and enjoy a nice quiet picnic. We've gone there lots of times, but nothing tops the first time. We made little sandwiches on bread Stewart baked that morning and listened to the Decememberists. It was decidedly Euro.

Hangin' at the park.

9-No Sushi Sushi Date.

After we had been dating a month Stewart decided to take me out for dinner. Knowing I love Sushi and had been missing it, he picked a nice Japanese spot known for their rolls. When we got there they told us we could only have noodles, because it was too busy and rolls were "not possible." So, we drank hot sake and hatched a new plan. Starved we went to Burger King and got Big King XL's.

It was a fun night, and an important one, too. I knew Stew was my kinda guy. Abandon the fancy place full of pretense for flamed-broiled goodness.

8-Diane's Visit.

One of my fave people and oldest friends, Diane came to town with her crew. She was my first vistor and it was so nice to have a familiar face in town! She was also the first person in my pre-euro life to meet Stewart and gave him a seal of approval. Had she not liked him it could have put the kibosh on the whole affair.

The highlight was when we went to dinner for a British friends birthday at an Indian restaurant and Diane felt "so international." It was one of the cutest things ever said.

Me and Diane her first night in the 'Dam.

7- First Queen's Day.

The excitement of your first Queen's Day (which is like 4th of July for the Hollish) is hard to beat. We got up early and watched the flood of happy, orange folks flood the street. Then we wandered the city drinking a bit o 'Heineken and eating cotton candy. Everyone was in a good mood and it was the first (and almost only) time I saw Dutch folks smiling in mass.

hamming it up.

6- Rib Contest.

My team at work had a rib eating contest. It was employee's vs. managers. I think I had 4 1/4 slabs. The winner ate 5. It was really a fun night of bonding and laughing. My boss kept talking all kinds of trash to me in Dutch, which irritated me because if you want to spar with me, you need to do it in a language I can speak.

As we left, I blasted "eye of the tiger" from portable speakers in my purse and followed my boss around like he was Rocky. He was suitably mortified. It was awesome.

So full I could not swallow.

5- Late Night Playground Date.

When we first starting dating we would talk so long that we would look up and it would be 2 AM (or 4 AM) and we would not even be tired. It was the kind of romance you have in high school. Dreamy and dizzy and all consuming. Except, we were adults so we had no curfew.

One spring night we sat on my floor talking and listening to music for hours. We forgot to actually go on the date. So, we left at about 2 AM and went and played at a park. It was so free, fun and exhilarating.

4- Kate's Visit.

My friend Kate came from PDX to visit in the summer of 2007. We had lots of random fun and generally got up to no good, which is totally necessary to do every now and again. We also caught a Rlio Kiley show in Delft and went to Paris for the day. I laughed a ridiculous amount during her stay (disinfranchaisedbladdersyndrom).

me in paris. taken by katie kat.

3- 7 March 2007.

Stew told me he loved me. The details are ours, but we will never forget.

this was not that day, but it's still a cute thing to find in your inbox.

2- My parents came to town.

It was stressful. It was fun. It was a relief. It was hilarious.

Having my parents see where I live and how I live was really important to me. After a few bumps, it turned out to be a very nice time. And, while I will be sure where we live next will be more accommodating for long visits, I am already excited to have them come and see us.

Me and my pops.

1- Skyler's birth.

The day that changed all our days.

Love.

Starbucks Free Pastry day.

2009-07-20T17:30:00.002+02:00

Bucks is giving out free pastries tomorrow before 10:30 or until they run out.

You lucky Americans can print your free coupon here.

baby bloodsucker.

2009-07-19T20:47:00.011+02:00

Stewart and I have become fans of Twilight. After Sass raved about the movie, we checked it out and loved it.

After we watched it we discussed, at great length, how much it would suck if Skyler was a vampire (no pun intended). I was thinking about having to change diapers for an eternity. And since she cannot walk let alone fly Stew thought it would be too hard for her to catch prey. He actually developed a technique for her sneak up on an unsuspecting meal.

He can commonly be seen practicing it around the house. I can commonly be heard collapsing into the giggles when he does it.

The Bald and the Beautiful.

2009-07-18T18:35:00.005+02:00

All the pregnancy books talk about how much hair you lose in the months after giving birth. But, they don't say WHY you are losing your hair.

the end of the beginning.

2009-07-17T19:46:00.004+02:00

On my last day of work, I remember the sad, heaviness I felt. I felt very much lost and fairly alone. I felt like one of the best things in my life had passed me by. The train ride home that day would have felt like an eternity had Stewart not been by my side.

Today was Stewart's last day of work. After more than six years he cleaned out his desk, gathered his things and said goodbye to the only real job he has known. His team was wonderful, throwing him a nice goodbye party complete with snacks and gifts.

In the 2 years we have been together we have done that train journey more times than I can count. So, I didn't know how he would feel about a train ride home alone on his last day. If he felt excited I thought he needed someone to celebrate with and if he felt sad he surely would need someone to hold his hand.

So, this afternoon Skyler and I boarded the train for Hilversum and endured the hour and 15 minute journey. We sat in the sun and played and ate (well, she ate) while we waited for Stewart to finish his party. And, when he was done we bought him a coffee and walked with him as he left the past behind.

I was much more saddened than I would have thought. As we went to his desk to pick up his things we passed the room we met for the first time. When I held the door on the way to the elevator, it was the same door we had stood at when I became fascinated by his sparkly "Santa Claus" eyes. We have a lot of memories on that campus. And, while they live in our hearts, we won't be able to go back and experience them in a tangible way anymore, which makes me sad.

As we turn our focus to leaving behind our past, our gaze turns towards the future. In my life there has never been as much uncertainty in so many areas as there is at this moment. It could be scary and overwhelming, but with Stewart and Skyler by my side it seems exciting instead.

As we left, hand in hand, baby in tow, I could not help but be grateful for the strange and unexpected turns my life as taken. It was nice to do the final train journey together and prattle on about our days and our random thoughts one last time.

And how was your day, dear?

2009-07-16T21:03:00.002+02:00

seriously. not. a. good. day.

2009-07-15T13:17:00.002+02:00

Happy Birthday Skyler!

2009-07-14T18:42:00.005+02:00

Skylie Woo is four months old today! FOUR MONTHS! Can you believe it?

It's been an exciting month. She's hit some milestones:
- Passed items from on hand to another
- Can put items in her mouth
- Increased babbling
- Rolled over (front to back & back to front)

I have to say, she is an absolute miracle and every moment we spend with her is a complete joy! We are so blessed to have her here to light up our lives!

It's getting closer...

2009-07-13T20:20:00.006+02:00

Well, d-day is officially 14 days away! Wheels are in motion and excitement is mounting.

Clock tower in Didsbury Village

We have arranged a little two-bedroom, two bath apartment for three months which is "fully serviced" meaning cleaning and laundries are taken care of. It's a nice place in an area of Manchester known as Didsbury. It's 15 minutes from the center of town and 5 minutes from Stewart's new job.

Didsbury park.

Our stuff is being packed and moved into storage on the 25th. Which means we have to fit three months worth of a life into three suitcases for three people. Which is madness. Skyler's stuff needs three suitcases alone! We have resorted to shipping stuff, all in all I think 5 or 6 boxes worth, on top of our suitcase allowance.

The Didsbury Inn.

Unfortunately, there will not be many clothes to pack for me. Yesterday we played "fashion show" and I tried on every, single item I own. And, 90% of the shirts were too short. Like, navel baring belly shirt too short. I know this sounds crazy, but I have grown since I moved here. An inch and a quarter to be exact! I know Holland is the tallest nation, but I didn't think height was something you could "catch."

time flies,

2009-07-13T00:08:00.002+02:00

four days old:

almost four months old:

it goes too fast for my taste.

boo.

2009-07-10T22:40:00.002+02:00

it's been almost a week, but i still

really

miss my sister.

me and anne on the 4th, at an "area."

What a long strange trip it's been.

2009-07-08T09:35:00.006+02:00

Not since the big Ryder truck pulled into my parents driveway in 1996, to carry me and the contents of my childhood bedroom away from high school melodrama to college, have I been so excited to get out of dodge and start anew.

People are always keen to say trite things to me about my hatered of living

in Holland. They say things like, "Just look at your precious little girl" and "You would have never met Stew." I am so tired of that logic that if I could I would take off my own arm and beat them with it.

I don't believe you have to suffer in one area of your life to have joy in another. My husband and I had long been on a collision course with one another. We had been in Seaside, Oregon and Frankfurt, Germany at the same time. At the same events. Had I not met him here, I would have met him somewhere. It seemed to be part of the bigger picture.

On Monday we went and deregistered as Holland residents. It was a sweet moment I have been longing for almost since my arrival. Casting off the shoe that does not fit, I wiggled my toes and smiled so big. I have felt burdened here that I have almost forgotten how exciting it is to feel free.

19 more days left. 19. The age I was when I moved out of my parents. These past two-and-a-half years have been a trip. A much different trip than I imagined. I would have had to enlist a Hollywood screenwriter to write the alternate ending that is my daily life. Marriage. A Daughter. Moving on to Manchester.

*and scene...*

Adventures in Babysitting.

2009-07-07T19:55:00.002+02:00

James, my lovely nephew, was left in our charge for two days while his parents "brought home the bacon" or veggie bacon, as it may be. He's two-and-a-half and filled with energy, mischief, creativity, noise and fun. He is quick on his feet and will scam you at the drop of the hat. In the few months since we have last seen him, "No!" has become his catch phrase. He is most certainly two.

I have always loved kids and always loved baby-sitting, but it takes a different tone now that I am a mother myself. I am more likely to stop and wonder, "Is that something his parents would allow? Am I teaching him something that will create a bad habit later? "

Muddy James, mid-mud scam.

The challenge I have always had is that I am like a big kid myself. I want to run, play and break the rules. And, that's not what grown-ups are supposed to do. At least that is not what grown-ups, who are trusted with other peoples most important responsibility, are supposed to do. And, alas, I am a grown-up.

Muddy James, post-mud scam.

On Tuesday I let James help me drain his little plastic pool, so we could refill it with fresh, sparkly water. He took so much joy in this task. Especially once he realized a lot of water made a lot of mud! A first he just put his little foot in it. Testing it out. Then he was running and squealing with delight...splashing mud everywhere. He was covered in mud and in pure, boy bliss.

The weird thing is that while James loves dirt, he hates being dirty. And, soon he was peeling off his wet, mud soaked clothes (down to his diaper) in the driveway. I brought James to the side of the house and did my best to hose him down. All I could think was that my sister was going to kill me. It was already too late, the deed was done. So, I smiled and laughed...enjoying every moment of my nephew's lastest scam.

James being hosed down in the driveway.

Kids are hilarious. And ridiculous. And as I have learned since my arrival in the Jeffcoat house hold, the reason stain removers were invented.

* After this post was written I walked out into the living room and shoved an acorn up my nose and blew it out at Annie. James promptly imitated me. Causing me to laugh, but not my mother or sister.

** I also learned that offering cotton candy as the special bedtime snack is not the right thing for a two-year old. When my sister said he could have "anything" that was clearly not including the fluffy, pink stuff.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

2009-07-07T19:25:00.004+02:00

Skyler has taught me a myriad of things in her short life. And, one of those things is how fast time goes, how precious it is, and how once it's gone you never get that moment back. Every second I spend with her counts.

That is what has made today such a hard day. In fact, I would say today has been my hardest day as a mommy so far. It's no secret I suffer from wicked jet-lag. I normally use a sleep-aid for at least a week after I return home and even with that I have patchy sleep. Because of Skylie I have stopped all sleep aids. I am too afraid I will sleep through her early waking cues (kicking feet, smacking lips, little sighs) and I will wake to her screaming.

Apparently, I am not the only one who is tired. Sneaky pic of Skoo and Stew.

Therefore, last night I only slept two hours before the moving guy was here to survey the place. Then I finalized the apartment details with the agent, while Stewart and I settled on travel details. This afternoon I called back a recruiter, who reps 98% of the positions that have caught my eye. To top it off I am a zombie, and missing my sister's family so much I feel heartbroken and emotionally crippled.

I did all of this while trying to play with my rapidly maturing moonhead, who is nearly rolling over and is developing a death grip of all things in her path...including my hair. It just seemed like today I could not give Skyler as much as she deserved. And, I hate days like that. I just crave the ability to lavish focused, undivided attention on her.

It's a bummer.

hola.

2009-07-06T20:30:00.004+02:00

hello, hello. long time no see.

the vacay was great and there's lots of excitement to update you all on. But, first this lady needs a rest.

BUT, I will give you the biggest news. Skyler can now pick up an object and cram it in her mouth. And, she can pass things from one hand to another.

AND TODAY SHE LAUGHED. A proper, funny, loud laugh. It tickled our ears and soul. What did it? A little song I wrote about her exploding diaper at the airport sung to the classic tune, "On Top of Spaghetti."

I think it is only fitting that her first laugh would come out as the result of a poop joke, she is a Scott and toilet humor is a Scott specialty.

leavin' on a jet plane.

2009-06-20T06:36:00.004+02:00

Today we are headed to sunny, beautiful Georgia. Living up to it's name of "Hot-lanta" it's going to be 98 F/36 C. I am in heaven, but Stew is not. He starts sweating in 70F/18C. His blood must be as thick as pea soup.

I am thrilled to be able to take Skyler to meet my sister, John and James for the first time in person! Normally when they see one another it looks like this:

Anne and Skylie at three-weeks

Fingers crossed it will be a safe and easy flight. It's our first time on the road with our lil' miss, and we sincerely hope she takes to traveling, because we do a lot of it!

my two-cents.

2009-06-18T21:24:00.009+02:00

The world is in a recession. That is what I have been reading for months and months. Talking to my Dad, his voice heavy with worry, you can feel how huge it is. You can feel that this isn't a blip or an economic hiccup. You can feel the fear.

Holland has been insulated from much of the hardship that has been happening elsewhere. We are not a credit based society, and things here have carried on as per usual.

It's an odd thing, but the whole concept of the economic crisis has been something I have felt so removed from. I had not experienced it on a personal level. It's something I have only found in my inbox courtesy of NewYorkTimes.com. Something that I peruse with my morning latte alongside Perez Hilton.

In the last month, the crisis has left my inbox and entered my daily life, leaving me frightened in a manner I never have before. After having our flat on the market for a month the realtor is pushing for us to reduce the price by 20K. If he is right, we will sell for way less than we owe, not including his fee. And my severance, which I had earmarked for a car, will be spent to leverage our debt.

I hadn't taken my move here lightly. I put back more than a years salary to keep me comfortable if I lost my job or wanted to come home. But, the market has taken that away, too. I invested in Wall Street at the wrong time and lost my ass. Only now it's not my ass, it's my families ass. And, although I could not have known better, I feel guilty. Sorry I have let them down, albeit inadvertently.

I wish I could cry.

I want to cry.

I cannot cry.

My head is throbbing after an evening on the phone with my Dad and Aunt running numbers. Trying to find the best way to remedy problems that I feel far too young to understand, let alone solve.

It makes me so sad to remember how much hope I had when I moved here. People told me what amazing things it would do for my career. How much demand I would be in. I had the world by the strap of my newly minted Louis Vuitton collection. If you would have told me that I within two-and-a-half years would be running numbers to make ends meet with a crying baby and a husband in the next room, I would have called you a liar.

All I can hope is that all the saving and preparing will be enough.

That my shoulders are as strong and sturdy as they need to be.

That our choices will work out for the best.

That's all we can do now.

hope.

choices. choices.

2009-06-17T21:21:00.003+02:00

eeny meany miny moe.

catch a tiger by a toe.

if he hollars let him go.

eeny meany miny moe.

Re-arranger.

2009-06-16T18:42:00.007+02:00

This afternoon Skylie and I danced around the room. I held her close, moving through each song cheek to cheek. Her chubby little hands gripped around my neck and shoulder, holding on to me. Hugging me back. After a wee while I switched position, and cradled her. I gently swung her back and forth while she grinned wildly. Crinkling her nose, mouth agape in a wide smile, shoulders moving up and down. She laughs without releasing a sound.

Looking in her eyes, I wondered how I ever lived without that smile for even one moment of my life. It is the purest expression of joy I have ever laid eyes on; and it makes my heart overflow every single time I see it.

At first I thought that maybe it was hormones, or the newness of becoming a mother that made me so intoxicated in her presence. But, three months have passed and instead of lessening, my love for her and my enjoyment of spending time with her multiplies every single day. Each morning I still rush over to her crib, waiting for the first time our eyes meet.

Seeing me she grins ear-to-ear, kicking her feet and waving her arms excited to meet each new day by my side. She looks like she is bursting to tell me a secret or let me in on the funniest joke she has every heard. And, every morning as I greet her, it feels like the first time I met her back on that fateful day in March.

This tiny person has effortlessly rearranged my whole life, my whole person with out even uttering a word. She has taught me endlessly patient, quiet and kind. I laugh so much more and worry so much less. She paints me in the light of my best self. The self I always knew was there, but could not quite reach.

I am so incredibly grateful.

three months.

2009-06-14T16:45:00.002+02:00

three months and countless smiles later, skyler continues to amaze and astound me. i never knew a human heart could stretch to fit so much love. and just when i think i could not love someone more, i do. everyday.

only more never less.

happy birthday, poo-woo.

thought of the day.

2009-06-12T20:23:00.004+02:00

big thanks for small things. and small people with big smiles.

skyler everly, you are truly my everything.

overheard.

2009-06-08T12:45:00.003+02:00

Stew and I are what I call "accidental attachment parents." We are not full on attachment parenting, but we put many of their theories into practice by just following our own instincts.

One of those is putting our daughter to bed in our bed, and letting her linger there until her 11 PM feed. This means most nights we miss out on local television opting to watching American TV in bed from the slingbox. But, last night we fell prey to embarrassingly bad E! entertainment television. The following conversation ensued.

Apparently no one messes with the Candy Girls.

Sara: I seriously cannot believe we are watching "Candy Girls" instead of hanging with Skyler. It's a disgrace.

Stew: It wasn't just "Candy Girls". It was the season finale of "Candy girls."

Both: Ridiculous laughter.

putting my money where my mouth is.

2009-06-04T21:23:00.011+02:00

Actions speak louder than words. That is what they say. And, if this is true, my actions are deafening.

Me and Skylie at Vondal Park.

Yesterday I was supposed to be in Manchester, on an interview. Three managers from Stewart's new company came to Amsterdam last week to review candidates for current openings. They met with people all day in 15-minute intervals. They liked me. And, for as much as you can know about anyone after 20 minutes, I really liked them as well.

Talking about product, sales, margins, the "go-to-market process" was awesome. I was in my element. And, the opening they had was a great fit for me. It is a job and a title I have been working toward my whole career.

When they wrote asking me to come to the next round of interviews I was so excited inside! My heart was a-flutter. It was a dream I wanted to make come true so badly. The job was right. The money was right. The timing was...WRONG.

Skylie at the zoo.

My other dream come true isn't even three months old yet, and at the shortest my leave was scheduled (pre-lay off/move) to be until 14 September. I knew I had to call them and ask if they would be willing to wait, and if not, I needed to decline the offer for the interview.

I have never done anything like this in my life, mind you. I have bent over backwards and twisted my life into a pretzel for employers. I have never really asked for anything I wanted before and I am not sure what gave me the courage this time. I think it was because I was asking for something I felt Skyler needed, rather than something I wanted.

Me and Skylie at the zoo.

As it turns out they could not wait for me, the opening needed to be filled immediately. It's a bad market, and I have taken a risk to wait and hope that there would be an opening for me when the timing was more suitable. It makes me scared that I might lose something I have loved so very much- my career.

But, the thing I didn't get about this parenthood business, until I became a mom, is the gravity of what being her mother actually means. I am her soft place to land. I am the person who provides her not just physical shelter but emotional shelter. When she cries she depends on me comfort her. I am totally and utterly responsible. She grew in me, and has never known a day without me. Right now, I am her world. And, the things I do for her matter.

She's funny.

While I was entertaining this career opportunity, I would wake up in the night fuzzy headed and these thoughts running through my head: "Anyone can be an employee, but not anyone can be Skyler's mother. I am the only one." It's like that saying: to the world you are one person, but to one person you are the world. As sad it sounds, I had 32 baby-free years to put all my needs first. I chose to have her and this is now her time.

She won't always need me like she does now. Someday she will not need me at all. And, as a mom that is my goal, to teach her to be independent and follow her own dreams.

But until then, I will be here, doing my duty. Doing my best.

Diaper Bag. The Quest Continues.

2009-06-04T11:43:00.003+02:00

Just when you thought it was safe to enter the blogosphere...I am on the hunt for a new diaper bag.

My Petunia Pickle Bottom Bag burned me like fire! Like fire I tell you!

Me and my bag in happier times.

It's cute, but it's just not a good performer. When wearing it as a hobo bag it has ripped out huge chunks of hair on two occasions. I think that past blogging has shown I am a bit hair obsessed, so that is no good.

Then yesterday I went to zip it and the zipper actually broke off. The entire metal piece was in my wee hand! I was shocked. For 132 Euros, I expect more.

So, tomorrow I am shipping it back to the store who has promised me a refund.

The hunt will continue stateside in just 15 days. I am sure Annie and John will be thrilled. heh.

boo.

2009-06-03T23:21:00.006+02:00

Today as I got off the train in Hilversum, the crowd parted and in the distance I could see Stewart walking to meet me. He was wearing a new, crisp white Fred Perry Polo shirt and a squinty, twinkly smile.

My pace quickened to match my heart rate which had accelerated as soon as I saw him. Each time I see him from across a room I still have to remind myself that is he is my husband. And every time I am struck by my great fortune that he's really all mine. I get to look at those twinkly eyes whenever I want to.

sparkly stew on the seine.

I am indeed one lucky, lucky lady.

The Last Frontier.

2009-06-02T20:14:00.008+02:00

This baby business brings about a lot of togetherness. As the primary caregiver, I am on the job 24-7. And, there are days that I wish I could clock-out for and spend a little time alone.

My only refuge has been the long, lingering aloneness inside the shower. The warm water cascading down brings my silky body wash to life, scenting the air with sweet cinnamon. The quiet hum of the water inviting me to slip away into my own thoughts.

sweet, clean baby girl feets.

That is until, my husband becomes "Daddy Transport" and pops in presenting me a dirty baby girl. Skylie's recent distaste for baths has made sharing a nightly shower the only alternative. In my arms, the slippery little piggy doesn't mind the water in her face. From her perch, Skylie is a wide-eyed, curious and happy water creature.

So, I give up my last and only frontier of aloneness. Trading it for a clean and contented daughter who is now drifting to sleep between myself and Stewart. Which, is another story for another day.

Name Game.

2009-06-01T20:40:00.004+02:00

We decided her nickname will not be Skye, so please don't call her that anymore. As much as we liked it, it doesn't suit her. Not in the least.

Skye sounds like a tranquil, peaceful person. And, while our lil' lovely is certainly content, she's not peaceful. She is in motion at all times. Arms failing, legs kicking, head turning, eyes darting around the room. She is a little bundle of energy, joy, and sometimes even a dash of anger. She can be as salty as she is sweet. But, peaceful, nope. Not even in her sleep.

So, for a nickname, it's going to be Skylie, because it suits her. That is unless we can get her teachers to call her Puddy Woo-Woo, which seems like a long shot, but wouldn't that be awesome?

Your Daily Cuteness.

2009-05-30T23:46:00.005+02:00

Skyler has a friend named Dolly. No, I don't mean Parton.

Things I am into at the moment.

2009-05-29T10:57:00.000+02:00

1) Staring contests.

Skylie and I spend at least one hour a day just staring and smiling at each other. It fills up my whole heart with joy.

2) New catch phrases.

I am the queen of the catch phrase. I invent them all the time. Remember when I was stuck on "deluxe" for an entire year? Maybe not, but I was. Lately, everything is blah-dee-blah. It's the vocalization of ...

3) Personal Mantras.

My acupuncturist turned me on the idea of a mantra. I used one through the labor, which was "i am a Mountain". I have a new one, which is "as is." There will be more on this in a later post, because it is seriously changing my life.

4) Kicking Ass.

For the record, I have always been into kicking ass. But, I am into more these days. Being a Mama Bear has made me a lil' more hardcore that usual. I have less time, so everything is crammed in, so I need to kick ass. And, when it comes to crafting the life I want, I am totally kicking ass.

5) England.

I cannot wait to move. My teenage self is soooo excited to be living in England. I always thought it was the epitome of cool. There is a lyric from one of my favorite Sunday's songs, Can't be Sure" which is, "England my country the home of the free, such miserable weather, but England's as happy as England can be, why cry." Once I move expect the catch-phrase "England's as happy as England can be" popping up.

6) Cute Stew

My 34-year-old husband uses "OMG" in his e-mails.

7) Dominos Pizza.

Get the door it's Dominos.